Invisible disabilities are often misunderstood because they do not always look the way people expect disability to look. A child may not use a wheelchair, cane, or visible support, but still struggle every day with reading, math, executive functioning, anxiety, attention, communication, processing, or self-advocacy.
In this episode of Stress-Free IEP, Frances Shefter speaks with Michelle Steiner, a writer, photographer, paraeducator, and adult with a learning disability. Michelle’s story is powerful because it reflects what so many students experience: being underestimated, labeled, doubted, or pushed toward a path that does not actually fit them.
The conversation is a reminder for parents, educators, and IEP teams: students with disabilities do not need to be forced into a box. They need to be understood.
Invisible Disabilities Are Still Disabilities
Michelle shared that people often questioned her disability because they could not see it. Instead of recognizing her learning needs, some people looked for visible signs and, when they did not see them, assumed she was not really disabled.
That kind of doubt can follow a child through school. Michelle remembered being bullied by peers and later underestimated by adults. She was told college might not be possible. She was told accommodations were unfair. She was told her options would be limited.
Those messages matter.
When children hear over and over that they are not capable, they may begin to believe it. Frances connected this to her own experience of being told her writing was “off” as a student, only to later attend law school, make law review, and earn recognition for her writing.
The lesson is not that every child must prove people wrong in the same way. The lesson is that adults should be extremely careful about defining a child’s future based on today’s struggle.
The Problem With “Boxes”
One of the strongest themes in the episode was the danger of trying to fit students into narrow categories.
Michelle explained that people often either assumed she could do anything without support or assumed she could do very little. Neither was accurate. She knew some paths were not right for her, but she also knew she was capable of meaningful work, education, writing, and a fulfilling life.
Frances connected that idea to special education evaluations and eligibility categories. Schools often have to identify a disability category, but children are far more complex than a label. Autism, ADHD, anxiety, learning disabilities, executive functioning challenges, and other needs can overlap in complicated ways.
A label may open the door to services, but it should never become the full picture of the child.
A child with autism is not the same as every other child with autism. A child with dyslexia is not the same as every other child with dyslexia. A gifted child with ADHD may still need support. A student with strong grades may still be struggling to organize, complete, or turn in work.
The better question is not, “What box does this child fit in?”
The better question is, “What does this child need?”
Behavior May Be Communication
Frances made a point that every parent should remember: there are often two reasons a child misbehaves in class. One, they are very bright and bored. Two, they are lost, behind, and trying to hide it.
That matters because behavior is often treated as the problem instead of the clue.
A child who jokes, avoids work, shuts down, distracts others, or refuses an assignment may not simply be “defiant.” They may not understand the work. They may be embarrassed. They may not know how to ask for help. They may be protecting themselves from looking incapable in front of classmates.
Michelle agreed and shared that, as a paraeducator, she often looks beyond the behavior to ask what is really happening for that student. Does the student need one-on-one support? Do they need help organizing? Do they need material explained another way? Do they need someone to walk with them to ask a teacher for help?
For parents, this is an important IEP and 504 reminder: if behavior keeps showing up, the team should be asking why.
Accommodations Are Not Cheating
Michelle talked about the stigma she faced when using accommodations. Some people treated supports as unfair advantages instead of tools that helped her access learning.
That mindset is still common.
A calculator, spell check, digital clock, speech-to-text, typed assignments, chunked study materials, extended time, organizational support, or alternative project format may be exactly what allows a student to show what they know.
Frances raised an important point about assignments: before insisting every student complete a task the exact same way, adults should ask what the purpose of the assignment is.
If the goal of a history project is to research, understand, and explain a topic, does every student need to write the same report? Could one student create slides? Could another present orally? Could another demonstrate knowledge through a different format?
There are times when writing itself is the skill being measured. But there are also times when the format becomes a barrier that hides what the student actually understands.
Straight A’s Are Not the Goal
Frances and Michelle also challenged the pressure for every child to earn straight A’s. Not every student is strong in every subject, and that is not a failure.
Some children are strong writers but struggle with math. Some are strong speakers but struggle with written output. Some understand the material but freeze on tests. Some can create brilliant ideas but cannot organize a backpack, plan long-term assignments, or remember to turn in completed work.
That is especially important for twice-exceptional students: children who are gifted in some areas and disabled in others. A child can be very bright and still need accommodations. Strong grades do not automatically mean the child is fine.
Executive functioning challenges are real. Planning, organizing, initiating tasks, studying, remembering materials, and managing deadlines are skills many students need to be directly taught.
Helping Kids Advocate for Themselves
One of the most meaningful parts of the conversation came when Michelle described helping students learn to ask for help.
She said many students start out afraid to raise their hand or approach a teacher. They worry they will look stupid. They worry other students will laugh. But with support, they can learn to speak up.
Sometimes Michelle will walk with a student to the teacher, but she tries to let the student be the one to ask the question. Over time, that student may go from being afraid to ask for help to raising their hand independently.
That is the long-term goal.
IEPs and 504 plans are not only about getting through this school year. They should also help students build skills they will need later: understanding their disability, knowing what supports help them, and learning how to advocate in school, work, and life.
Do Not Let One Label Write the Whole Story
Michelle’s story is not about pretending disability is easy. She was honest about the challenges. But she also refused to let other people write the ending for her.
She became a college graduate. She became a published writer. She became a paraeducator who now supports students who feel the same shame and frustration she once felt.
Frances closed the conversation with a message many parents need to hear: do not limit your child. Let them be who they are. Support them, understand them, and help them find the path that fits.
A child does not need to be good at everything to have a meaningful future.
They need adults who believe them, listen to them, and build supports around who they actually are.
Michelle’s website: https://www.michellesmission.com/
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