Meet Frances: The Only Person at the IEP Table Who’s Sat in Five Seats
Before she was an education attorney, Frances Shefter was a general education teacher, a special education teacher, and a special education coordinator. She’s also a parent to two neurodivergent children. That means when she walks into an IEP meeting, she’s sat in every chair—general ed, special ed, LEA rep, attorney, and parent—and she brings that vantage point to every conversation.
Host Gabrielle Nicole, a “toddler whisperer,” speech therapist, and parent coach, kicks off with a big question: What don’t families and educators know—but really need to? Frances doesn’t hesitate: “A lot—sometimes even the school doesn’t know.” Not because people are bad actors, she adds, but because teachers aren’t trained in the law and often aren’t taught how to write or implement IEPs in a legally sound way.
When Something Feels Off, It Probably Is
Frances’ first rule: trust your gut. If you’re a parent, caregiver, foster parent, educator—and something isn’t sitting right—there’s probably a reason. Ask questions. Ask why. Ask for data. Much of the trouble she sees stems from habit—“this is how we’ve always done it”—rather than a careful reading of what the law requires.
Educational Need vs. Medical Need: The Power of Your Words
A recurring pitfall: families bring excellent private evaluations to school…and schools dismiss them as “medical”. The fix is often language.
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“Child would benefit from X” is soft and easy to ignore.
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“Child requires X to access the general education curriculum” is laser-targeted to the educational impact, which triggers a school’s responsibility.
Frances coaches private providers to frame findings with classroom consequences:
“Fine-motor weaknesses make handwriting hard” becomes “Handwriting is illegible; the teacher cannot understand the student’s written work.” That single sentence makes the educational link crystal clear.
Buzzwords that matter in schools: “requires,” “access the general education curriculum,” and “as evidenced by” specific classroom impacts.
A phrase to retire: “would benefit from.”
Your IEP Is a Legal Document—Not a Wish List
Families often don’t realize that the IEP is a legal document governed by federal law. If the IEP says a support or service must happen, the school is required to deliver it. Period.
What matters in an IEP:
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Present levels that reflect reality (with data).
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Goals aligned to need (and tracked).
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Services and supports that are specific, measurable, and implementable.
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Implementation that actually happens.
If things aren’t being implemented, there are remedies—complaints, mediations, due process—but Frances’ approach is to solve collaboratively first, and escalate only when necessary.
“Water Over Rock”: How to Escalate Without Going to War
Frances learned from her father: be calm, persistent, and keep moving up the ladder. Start with the team; if the team says they “can’t,” ask who can. Keep it factual. Don’t accuse or inflame. Think water over rock, not squeaky wheel. The tone is simple: Here are the facts. Here’s the law. What can we do?
She’s candid: she’ll litigate if she must. But most wins come from steady, matter-of-fact persistence and using the school’s own language and data to close the gap between what’s happening and what’s required.
The Data Matters—But So Do Humans
Teachers feel crushed by data demands. Parents feel crushed by unmet needs. Kids are overwhelmed, too. Frances’ counsel finds the middle path:
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Yes, collect data—but don’t force it at the expense of a child’s regulation and safety.
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Lead with basic needs (emotional regulation, connection, safety). Without those, no one learns—no matter how many probes you run.
If a school can show that behavioral/emotional progress is the focus right now—and that academics will intensify once the child is ready—most parents and advocates will agree that’s reasonable. What doesn’t fly: “Everything’s off the rails and we can’t do anything.”
The Bigger Picture: Funding, Oversight, and Uneven Impact
The conversation zooms out briefly to the national climate. Frances notes that while federal oversight and funding matter, much of education already sits with the states and local systems. Funding cuts and administrative upheaval don’t hit every community equally. Higher-resourced districts may buffer families; lower-resourced states and counties often feel the squeeze first, with families least able to fight bearing the brunt.
Her bottom line remains practical: know your rights, use the process, and keep showing up. When schools are held accountable, they can and do step up.
Can’t Hire an Attorney? Start Here.
Frances outlines a DIY starting plan for families who can’t bring counsel to every meeting:
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Educate yourself. Listen to reputable podcasts, read trustworthy sources, join local parent groups.
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Get strategic. Map your end goal and the steps between. Frances does “strategy sessions” that end with a parent-run action plan (you can DIY this too).
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Use the right words in writing. Request evaluations, supports, and services that the student requires to access the general education curriculum.
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Ask for data—consistently. “What data supports this change?” “What’s different from two months ago?”
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Climb the ladder kindly. If a team says no, ask who can say yes. Call central office, resolution/compliance units, or the state if needed.
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Document everything. After every meeting, send a short, neutral recap email noting agreements and action items.
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Know your non-negotiables. What absolutely must happen for your child to be safe and learning? What can be phased in?
When “Perfect” Isn’t Practical: Choosing What Matters Most
The law is not as black-and-white as a stop sign. Families sometimes have to choose between the ideal program on paper and the school community that keeps their child regulated and connected. For some, the neighborhood school wins because belonging, friendship, and safety are the priority right now. Academics can climb later; self-confidence and regulation come first.
Frances is frank about this with her own kids: emotional health ahead of academics in the early years. If being five minutes late to avoid a hallway trigger keeps a child regulated, that’s a trade worth making.
Collaboration First. Teeth in Reserve.
Has playing nice ever backfired? Sure. When a school digs in and refuses to fix what’s broken, Frances files. But even then, it’s not personal. The line is steady: This child needs X. You say you can’t. The law says you must. Let’s ask a judge. Professional, factual, and always centered on the student.
Quick Script Starters You Can Borrow
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“We’re requesting [service/support] because my child requires it to access the general education curriculum, as evidenced by [classroom impact].”
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“What data supports the change you’re proposing?”
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“Two months ago, the team said [X]. What’s changed, and can we see that data?”
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“If this can’t be done at the school level, who at central office can authorize it?”
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“Please include today’s decisions and timelines in the Prior Written Notice.”
Final Takeaways
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Trust your instincts. If it feels off, ask questions and ask for data.
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Use precise language. “Requires to access the curriculum” beats “would benefit from.”
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Keep it human. Prioritize regulation and belonging; academics grow from there.
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Escalate calmly. Water over rock—steady, polite, persistent.
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Know your path. Define your endgame, document steps, and move up the ladder when needed.
Check out the host’s website for more information:
https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/
https://www.raisingorchidkids.com/
For more podcast from Gabriele click here:
https://www.youtube.com/@complicatedkids
If you enjoyed this conversation about navigating IEPs and advocating with calm persistence, you might also like my recent post, “Empowering Families Through Data: A Practical Guide to Tracking and Understanding IEP Goal Progress”—it’s all about using data and documentation to strengthen your advocacy. You can also check out my episode “Building Trust, Honoring Culture, and Making Speech Support Work” for another perspective on collaboration within the IEP process.
