When a child is struggling with behavior at school, the immediate response is often to focus on what the child is doing wrong. Are they refusing to participate? Having outbursts? Struggling to follow directions?

But there may be a more important question: Does this child feel safe, connected, and included at school?

A child’s behavior can sometimes reflect frustration, anxiety, disconnection, or needs that are not being met.

In an episode of Stress-Free IEP, special education attorney and host Frances Shefter speaks with educator and founder of Awesome Consulting Educational Services Jenny Awesome about the importance of belonging, meaningful inclusion, and helping children learn from their struggles.

Their conversation highlights an important idea: Before expecting children to succeed in school, we need to understand what helps them feel supported enough to learn.

Why Might My Child Be Acting Out at School?

When a child doesn’t feel safe or connected, it can become harder for them to participate, communicate, and manage challenging situations.

Frances raises this concern early in the conversation. When students don’t feel connected to their school environment, behavioral challenges may follow.

Jenny explains that relationships are the foundation of learning. Before asking a student to take academic risks, try something difficult, or discuss a personal challenge, teachers need to establish trust.

That can begin with something as simple as asking about a child’s interests, having a casual conversation, or taking time to understand how they communicate.

Not every behavioral challenge comes from a lack of belonging. Learning difficulties, disabilities, emotional needs, and other factors may also play a role. Parents can explore these issues further in our article on understanding emotional and behavioral disorders in school.

The important point is that behavior should prompt questions, not just consequences.

Helping children recognize emotions, build relationships, and develop coping strategies can also be part of their educational support. Our guide to social-emotional learning in special education explains why these skills matter.

What Does Real Inclusion Look Like in the Classroom?

One of the most important moments in the conversation comes when Frances and Jenny discuss a child whose educational plan includes time in a general education classroom.

But what happens if that child simply sits there without participating?

Jenny makes the distinction clear: being physically present in a classroom is not necessarily the same as being meaningfully included.

For some children, becoming comfortable in a new classroom may be an appropriate initial goal. Eventually, though, the team should consider how the student will participate and benefit from the experience.

Frances emphasizes that the IEP team needs to identify the purpose of that time.

Is the child there to develop social skills? To access the general education curriculum? To practice particular skills alongside peers?

Once the goal is understood, the team can identify the supports needed to make participation possible.

Parents who want to understand these options can read more about receiving special education in the general education classroom.

True inclusion is about participation and belonging, not simply being assigned a seat in a room.

How Can an IEP Help a Child Feel Supported and Included?

A well-developed IEP should reflect the child’s individual needs and explain how the school will support their learning.

That means going beyond broad statements about participation or classroom behavior.

For example, if the goal is to help a child participate in general education activities, parents should understand what participation looks like and how progress will be measured.

Frances emphasizes the importance of clear goals. Parents can use our guide on whether IEP annual goals actually match their child’s needs to examine this connection.

But appropriate goals are only one part of the plan.

The IEP should also describe what teachers and staff need to do to help the child succeed. Our article on supplementary aids and services in your child’s IEP explains why those details matter.

Frances shares a practical way to evaluate whether an IEP is clear enough: the stranger test.

Could someone who has never met your child pick up the IEP and understand exactly what to do?

If the answer is no, important information may be missing.

Parents can ask:

• What specific skills are we trying to develop?
• How will my child participate in classroom activities?
• What support will teachers provide, and when?
• How will we know whether those supports are helping?
• Would a new teacher understand how to implement this plan?

For a broader look at these questions, see our guide to reviewing your child’s entire IEP before the meeting.

If your child is struggling and you are uncertain whether the current IEP addresses their needs, Start with a Free Case Analysis to find out whether Shefter Law may be able to help.

Why Learning From Mistakes Matters More Than Avoiding Failure

Another major theme of the conversation is how children experience failure.

Jenny introduces her Fail Forward approach, which encourages people to view mistakes as feedback rather than proof that they are incapable.

A student who struggles with math might begin saying, “I’m a failure” or “I can’t do math.”

But struggling with a concept does not mean the child cannot learn it.

Frances connects this idea to the power of adding one word: yet.

A child may not know how to solve a problem yet. They may not have found an effective learning strategy yet.

The goal is not to ignore difficulties. It is to identify what isn’t working, teach appropriate strategies, and help children recognize their progress.

Frances also shares an example involving her daughter, who failed a math quiz because she missed the lesson. Her daughter later understood the material, and Frances recognized that learning was more important than the original grade.

This is particularly relevant for children with IEPs. The purpose of individualized support is not simply to reduce expectations but to help students develop the strategies and skills they need to learn.

What Can Parents Do When Their Child Is Struggling at School?

Parents do not have to walk into an IEP meeting with every answer. But they can bring important questions about their child’s experience.

Start by asking whether your child feels connected to their teachers and classmates. Find out what happens before behavioral difficulties arise and how school staff respond.

Then look at the IEP itself.

Does it describe your child’s needs accurately? Are the goals meaningful? Are the accommodations and supports clear enough for teachers to implement consistently?

If you need help identifying the issues and deciding what to raise with the school, an IEP/504 Strategy Session can help you understand your options and develop a written Action Plan.

For families who need an attorney to examine their child’s IEP, draft IEP, or evaluations before a meeting, an IEP Document Review Strategy Session may be a better fit.

Every Child Deserves More Than a Place in the Classroom

Feeling connected to school can make a meaningful difference in how children experience learning, challenges, and relationships.

Frances and Jenny remind us that education is not simply about following directions, earning grades, or occupying a classroom seat.

It is about helping children develop the skills, confidence, and connections they need to participate and grow.

If your child’s school experience or current IEP is not meeting their needs, you do not have to figure out your next steps alone.

Start with a Free Case Analysis and find out how Shefter Law may be able to support your family.