Advocating for a child with an IEP can be emotional under the best circumstances. When parents are separated, divorced, or involved in a custody dispute, every disagreement can become more complicated.
One parent may believe the child needs additional evaluations, services, accommodations, or a different placement. The other parent may see the situation differently. Meanwhile, the school is focused on its own procedures, data, staffing, and recommendations.
The challenge is not simply making your voice louder. Effective advocacy requires parents to remain focused, use evidence, communicate clearly, and keep the child’s needs from becoming tangled in adult conflict.
In a conversation between special education attorney Frances Shefter and family-court educator David Pisarra, one message came through repeatedly: parents are most persuasive when they are prepared, child-focused, and assertive without becoming aggressive.
Assertive Advocacy Is Different From an Attack
Parents have every right to question a school’s conclusions, challenge an inadequate plan, or request additional support. But how those concerns are presented can affect whether the parent is heard.
An aggressive approach may sound like:
- “You are refusing to help my child.”
- “Nobody at this school knows what they are doing.”
- “I am not leaving until you agree with me.”
- “You are all wrong.”
An assertive approach focuses on the problem, the evidence, and the requested solution:
- “The evaluation identifies needs in this area. Where are those needs addressed in the IEP?”
- “The current data shows limited progress. What changes is the team proposing?”
- “Please explain why this service was reduced.”
- “I would like my request and the school’s response documented in writing.”
As Frances explained, parents are heard more effectively when their message is: “I am advocating, but I am not attacking you.”
That distinction does not require a parent to be passive. It means directing the pressure toward the unresolved educational problem rather than toward an individual sitting across the table.
Use the School’s Own Data
A parent’s knowledge of their child is essential, but statements such as “I know my child needs this” may not be enough by themselves.
One of the strongest ways to advocate is to connect the request directly to information the school has already documented.
For example:
- “The report says my child struggles to begin assignments independently. What support will address that?”
- “The evaluation identifies weaknesses in reading fluency. What measurable goal is tied to that finding?”
- “The teacher reports frequent redirection. Has the team considered additional behavioral or attention supports?”
- “The data shows that progress has stalled. Why is the team recommending the same level of service?”
Frances summarized the strategy clearly: “Here’s what you all said in your report. This is what my kid needs based on what you said.”
This approach makes it harder for the discussion to be dismissed as one parent’s opinion. It places the focus on the school’s evaluations, observations, progress reports, and responsibilities.
Keep the Divorce Out of the Educational Argument
Parents can have legitimate disagreements about a child’s needs. One parent may believe the child is being overprotected. Another may believe the child’s disability is being minimized. One may want more testing, while the other worries about labels or unnecessary intervention.
Those disagreements can become more intense during a divorce because they are mixed with fear, resentment, distrust, and unresolved relationship issues.
The school meeting, however, is not the place to prove that one parent is better than the other.
A more effective position is:
“I am a concerned parent with information supporting what I believe my child needs.”
That message is much more persuasive than:
“My former spouse is wrong, and I need everyone to see it.”
Parents should continually bring the conversation back to a few questions:
- What is happening with the child right now?
- What evidence do we have?
- What support does the child need?
- How will we know whether that support is working?
The goal is not to win against the other parent. The goal is to help the child make meaningful progress.
Tell the School What Works Outside the Classroom
Parents often observe abilities and struggles that may not appear during a short evaluation or classroom observation.
A child may focus better while moving. A student may understand instructions when they are broken into smaller steps. Homework may go more smoothly with visual reminders, a timer, a quiet room, frequent breaks, or a chance to talk through the assignment aloud.
That information belongs in the IEP discussion.
Frances shared the example of a kindergarten student who appeared unable to sit still. Instead of requiring him to remain seated throughout the lesson, she gave him a physical task in the classroom. He continued moving, but he was still following the instruction and could answer questions correctly.
“He just needed to be doing something else,” she explained.
The important question was not whether the child looked like every other student. It was whether he was learning.
Parents can help the team by explaining:
- When the child is most focused
- What triggers frustration or shutdown
- What helps the child begin a difficult task
- Whether movement improves concentration
- How instructions are successfully presented at home
- What motivates the child
- Which supports increase independence
Home observations are not a substitute for professional evaluation, but they are valuable information. An IEP team should consider how the child functions across different environments.
Look Beyond Grades and Compliance
A child can receive acceptable grades while still struggling with executive functioning, anxiety, communication, attention, social interaction, or independence.
A student may also understand the academic material but lose points because assignments are forgotten, misplaced, or not submitted. Another child may memorize information for a test without developing the ability to analyze or apply it.
This is why educational progress cannot always be reduced to a report card.
Parents should ask whether the child is:
- Learning the material rather than merely memorizing it
- Becoming more independent
- Developing effective communication skills
- Able to apply skills in different settings
- Building strategies that will remain useful after the current school year
- Emotionally able to access instruction
The purpose of education should not simply be to make every student perform in the same way. Children need opportunities to discover how they learn and what allows them to succeed.
Choose the Issues That Matter Most
An IEP may contain dozens of details a parent wants to change. A school record may contain hundreds of emails, observations, and disputed statements. Trying to argue every point at once can weaken the most important request.
Pisarra used a useful comparison from family court: tell the decision-maker there is a beach, but do not make them examine every grain of sand.
The same principle applies in an IEP meeting.
Before the meeting, identify:
- The most urgent problem
- The strongest supporting data
- The specific change being requested
- The result the family is trying to achieve
For example, if the primary concern is an inappropriate placement, spending most of the meeting debating minor wording may distract from the decision that matters most.
Frances advised parents to keep asking, “What is our end goal?”
That does not mean unimportant errors should be ignored forever. It means handling the meeting strategically and making sure the central issue receives the necessary time and attention.
Parents Need Support Too
Parents cannot advocate effectively when they are overwhelmed, isolated, or reacting from fear.
Support may come from another parent, a therapist, an advocate, an attorney, a support group, or a trusted friend who understands the situation. Fathers, in particular, may have fewer spaces where they feel comfortable discussing fear, uncertainty, or the possibility of losing time with their children.
Seeking support is not a sign that a parent is weak. It can help the parent become calmer, better prepared, and more effective when communicating with a school or appearing in court.
A parent who feels heard and supported is less likely to enter an IEP meeting ready for a fight. That creates more room for clear decision-making.
Focus on the Child, the Evidence, and the Goal
Parents do not need to agree with every school recommendation. Divorced parents do not need to agree with each other on every issue. A productive discussion does not require everyone to have the same opinion.
As Frances emphasized, “We can have a difference of opinion without being adversarial.”
The strongest advocacy usually comes from a parent who can clearly explain what the child is experiencing, connect those concerns to reliable information, identify the requested solution, and remain focused on meaningful progress.
When emotions are high, return to the central question: What does this child need to learn, participate, and grow?
That is the argument that matters most.
Get in touch with David here: https://www.unionofdads.com/
Parents who need help reviewing an IEP, preparing for a meeting, or identifying their most important requests can contact Shefter Law to start with a Free Case Analysis