Keeping the Drama Out of Divorce: A Conversation with Cary Jacobson
On this episode of Stress-Free IEP, host Frances Shefter sat down with attorney, mediator, and podcast host Cary Jacobson to talk about a difficult but important topic—how to navigate divorce while keeping the process as stress-free as possible, especially when neurodivergent children are involved. Cary is the founder of Jacobson Family Law and the guiding voice behind Divorce Diaries: Lessons from the Trenches. Her mission is simple but powerful: keep the drama out of divorce.
Why Reducing Drama Matters
Divorce is never easy. As Frances points out, when children are involved—particularly children with special needs—the stakes are even higher. Cary emphasizes that while emotions will always be part of the process, conflict doesn’t have to take over. Her firm focuses on resolving issues outside of court first, so that by the time a case reaches a judge, it’s often just an uncontested divorce.
Frances immediately drew a parallel to IEP meetings: both parents and school teams ideally work together to find solutions for a child, but if necessary, the legal system is there as a backup. The goal in both cases is to keep the focus on the child’s best interest and avoid unnecessary battles.
Common Mistakes Families Make
One of the biggest mistakes Cary sees is couples running straight to court. Filing immediately, she explains, often escalates tensions and makes negotiation harder. Instead, starting with mediation or collaborative methods gives families more control and reduces stress.
The second mistake is not having a strong support team in place. Divorce isn’t just a legal process—it’s an emotional one. Cary recommends working with a therapist or divorce coach, even in amicable cases. That way, when it comes time to negotiate, parents can approach decisions more like a business conversation and less from a place of pain.
Mediation vs. Collaborative Divorce
Many people aren’t clear on the difference between these two options. Cary explained:
- Mediation involves a neutral third party (like Cary) who facilitates discussions and helps couples reach agreements on issues like custody, finances, and property. It’s voluntary and confidential, and parties can choose whether to have lawyers directly involved.
- Collaborative Divorce is more structured and team-based. Each parent has a collaboratively trained attorney, and other professionals—such as divorce coaches, financial experts, or child specialists—may be added. Everyone signs a participation agreement committing to the process, and if it fails, new lawyers must be hired for litigation.
Though collaborative divorce can be more expensive, it’s still usually cheaper than court and especially helpful for families with very young children, children with special needs, or when mental health or substance abuse is a concern.
Planning for the Future
Frances shared her own experience of seeing divorcing parents forget to include critical details—like what happens if parents disagree on educational decisions. Cary noted that mediation and collaborative agreements can include tie-breaking provisions or require returning to mediation before going back to court. These approaches give families flexibility and privacy while protecting children from drawn-out conflicts.
For families of children with special needs, Cary stressed the importance of planning not just for today but for the future. That may mean deciding who will manage finances for a child unable to live independently, or how to structure support in a way that doesn’t interfere with government benefits.
Prenups, Postnups, and Why They Matter
The conversation also turned to prenuptial and postnuptial agreements. Cary calls them “insurance policies” that allow couples to make clear plans about finances and property—before or after marriage.
While many think prenups are only for celebrities or the wealthy, Cary explained that most couples can benefit. Today, many people marry later in life, already owning homes, retirement accounts, or businesses. Having honest conversations about money beforehand can prevent major conflicts later.
Frances noted that while such conversations may even prevent incompatible couples from marrying, that might be a good thing in the long run. As Cary reminded listeners, financial disagreements remain one of the top reasons couples split.
Special Considerations for the LGBTQ+ Community
Cary also addressed the unique challenges faced by LGBTQ+ couples. While federal law currently protects same-sex marriage, ongoing legal battles create uncertainty. That makes it especially important for LGBTQ+ families to have protections like prenuptial agreements, second-parent adoptions, estate plans, and powers of attorney in place. Without them, parents could face devastating consequences if they move to or live in a state with restrictive laws.
Mediation as a Lifelong Tool
Finally, Cary highlighted that mediation isn’t just for the initial divorce. Families can return to mediation later if circumstances change—such as a child’s needs evolving, a new business or inheritance entering the picture, or simply a shift in financial or personal circumstances. Agreements can always be updated, keeping families out of court and in control of their future.
Final Thoughts
Frances closed by noting how much she learns in every interview—even from friends she’s known for years. Cary’s message is clear: while divorce will never be painless, it doesn’t have to be destructive. With tools like mediation, collaborative divorce, and clear financial planning, families can move forward with dignity and protect what matters most—the well-being of their children.
You can learn more about Cary’s work, her blog, and her podcast at jacobsonfamilylaw.com
