Parents often know something is wrong before they know exactly what to call it.
Maybe your child is falling behind despite extra help. Maybe homework has become a nightly battle. Maybe the school keeps reassuring you that everything is fine, but what you see at home tells a different story.
You do not need to understand every special education acronym before you start asking questions.
In a recent conversation on the Jennifer Awesome Podcast, special education attorney, former teacher, and parent Frances Shefter discussed one of the most important ideas for families navigating special education: parents are not spectators in the IEP process. They are members of the team.
Understanding that can change the way you approach everything from requesting an evaluation to participating in an IEP meeting.
If You Are Concerned, Put It in Writing
When you believe your child may be struggling because of a disability, learning difference, ADHD, or another issue affecting their education, one of the first practical steps is simple: communicate your concerns to the school in writing.
As Frances often tells parents, if something is not written down, it becomes much harder to establish what was requested and when.
Instead of simply telling a teacher in the hallway that your child seems to be struggling, send an email or written request to the appropriate school staff. Be specific about what you are seeing.
For example:
- Your child is significantly behind in reading.
- Your child recently received an ADHD diagnosis and you believe it is affecting school.
- Your child is struggling despite interventions already being provided.
- You believe your child may have a learning disability.
- You want the school to begin the special education evaluation process.
The goal is not to diagnose your child yourself. It is to clearly communicate the concern and ask the school to investigate it.
Parents Have the Right to Ask Questions
IEP meetings can be intimidating.
You may be sitting across from a special education teacher, general education teacher, psychologist, speech-language pathologist, administrator, occupational therapist, or other professionals who work in education every day.
They know their areas of expertise.
But they do not know your child the way you do.
Frances emphasized that parents have the right to ask questions, disagree, and ask for clarification. Being collaborative does not mean automatically agreeing with everything the school recommends.
If someone says your child is making progress, you can ask:
How much progress?
Compared with what starting point?
What strategies are working?
If the school reports behavior that looks completely different from what you see at home, asking how they are getting that result is not accusing the teacher of lying. You are gathering information.
That is part of your role on the IEP team.
You Are an Equal Member of the IEP Team
One of the biggest mistakes parents can make is entering an IEP meeting believing everyone else at the table has more authority than they do.
The professionals have important roles. So does the parent.
Frances explained that an IEP team intentionally brings together people with different kinds of knowledge. The general education teacher understands the curriculum. The special education teacher understands specialized instruction and supports. A psychologist may interpret evaluation data. Administrators understand available programs and school operations.
And the parent brings something nobody else can: extensive knowledge of the child.
Parents know the child’s history, personality, frustrations, strengths, routines, triggers, interests, previous experiences, and what has or has not worked outside the classroom.
That information matters.
Going into the meeting knowing that you are an equal team member can completely change the conversation.
“We Can’t Afford It” Should Not End the Discussion
Families sometimes hear that a school cannot provide a particular service or support because it would cost too much.
Budget realities certainly exist within school systems. But Frances’s point to parents was straightforward: if the child needs a particular service, the conversation should focus on the child’s needs rather than ending simply because something costs money.
Parents should continue asking questions.
Why is the requested support being rejected?
What alternatives are being proposed?
What data shows that another option will meet the child’s needs?
What information did the team consider in reaching its decision?
A parent’s job is not to manage the school system’s budget. Their job at the IEP table is to participate in determining what their child needs to access an appropriate education.
Be Careful With “Wait and See”
Sometimes waiting is appropriate.
But “let’s wait and see” should not become a substitute for investigating a legitimate concern.
Frances shared her own experience as a parent when concerns arose about her daughter’s development. Even with her background as a special education teacher and education attorney, she experienced the same uncertainty and guilt many parents feel.
At one point, the response she heard was essentially to provide some additional instruction and wait.
She pushed for more information instead.
That story highlights an important distinction: parents do not need to know what the diagnosis will be before requesting that a concern be taken seriously.
If your child is struggling and existing supports are not resolving the issue, it is reasonable to ask what additional data or evaluation may be needed.
Special Education Is Supposed to Be Individualized
A diagnosis does not automatically tell a school exactly what a child needs.
Two children with autism may require very different supports.
Two students with ADHD may struggle in completely different ways.
Even a support that helps academically may have unintended consequences for a particular student.
Frances described situations where a child technically still benefited from a service, but receiving that service meant being repeatedly pulled from class, falling behind in other instruction, feeling different from classmates, and experiencing additional anxiety.
The question becomes bigger than, “Does this service help?”
The team should look at the whole child.
What benefit is the student receiving?
What is the cost to the student’s education or emotional well-being?
Is the current support still the best way to meet that need?
That individualized analysis is at the heart of the IEP process.
Children Should Understand Their Own Supports
As children get older, another person gradually becomes more important in the IEP conversation: the student.
That does not necessarily mean every child should sit through an entire IEP meeting.
For some children, hearing adults discuss their challenges for an extended period may be overwhelming or anxiety-provoking. Other students, particularly older students preparing for high school graduation, college, or adulthood, may benefit from much greater participation.
Frances described bringing her own daughter into portions of her IEP meetings to discuss accommodations and supplementary aids. The purpose is not simply participation for participation’s sake. It is teaching the child to understand what works for them and eventually advocate for themselves.
Even when a child does not attend the meeting, someone should help them understand the supports available to them.
A student who does not know they are entitled to an accommodation cannot effectively speak up when that accommodation is missing.
Self-advocacy starts with understanding.
Parent Guilt Does Not Help You Make the Next Decision
Parents often look backward.
Why didn’t I notice sooner?
Why didn’t I request testing earlier?
Why did I agree to that plan?
Why didn’t I know what questions to ask?
Frances has experienced that same feeling as both a parent and a professional.
Her advice is useful far beyond special education: parents make the best decisions they can with the information they have at the time.
When the information changes, the decision can change too.
Learning something new about your child does not mean you failed to recognize it earlier. The useful question is not, “What should I have done two years ago?”
It is, “What do I know now, and what should I do next?”
Trust Yourself Enough to Ask the Next Question
Special education can feel overwhelming because parents are suddenly expected to navigate evaluations, data, eligibility requirements, accommodations, services, meetings, timelines, and legal terminology while also worrying about their child.
You do not have to become a special education professional overnight.
You do need to participate.
Put concerns in writing.
Ask for the data.
Ask why a decision was made.
Ask what happens next.
And if an answer does not make sense, keep asking until you understand it.
Frances’s message to parents at the end of the conversation was simple: trust yourself, trust your gut, and give yourself grace. Raising and advocating for a neurodivergent child is a journey, and parents should not apologize for advocating for what their child needs.
You know your child better than anyone else at the IEP table. That knowledge belongs in the conversation.
Reach Jeniffer Here: https://awesomeconsulting.org/