By: Frances Shefter, Esq. (and mom)
As a mom of two neurodivergent children, I’ve learned to prioritize one thing above all else: mental health before academics. That’s not a trend. That’s not a parenting style. It’s what actually works.
Both of my children are balancing life, school, friendships, and all the stress and anxiety that come with those demands. They’re bright, curious, and generally love school. But when they’re dysregulated, anxious, or simply not in the right headspace, learning isn’t going to happen—and pushing them to sit through a day of school only makes things worse.
That’s why in our home, mental health days are valid and respected. If my child wakes up and doesn’t feel emotionally safe or ready for the school day, they stay home. It’s not a decision made lightly, and it doesn’t happen often—but it’s necessary. Because emotional regulation isn’t just important—it’s foundational to learning.
Why Emotional Regulation Must Come First
Learning takes place when a child feels safe, calm, and supported. If their brain is in overdrive—whether due to anxiety, stress, sensory input, or emotional exhaustion—they’re not going to absorb a math lesson or focus on a writing prompt. It’s not about ability. It’s about access.
Regulation doesn’t mean “perfection” or “compliance.” It means a child has the tools and space to bring their nervous system back to a balanced state so they can engage with the world around them. Sometimes that looks like a walk. Sometimes it’s quiet time. Sometimes it’s simply being allowed to pause.
In school, that might mean:
- A sensory break
- A supportive check-in with an adult
- Reduced demands for the day
- Flexibility to come back to class when they’re ready
When we give children space to regulate, we aren’t taking away from academics—we’re creating the conditions for learning to actually happen.
What It Means for Families Like Mine
For families raising neurodivergent kids, the traditional approach of “just get through the day” doesn’t work. We see the toll it takes after school: the shutdowns, the tears, the exhaustion from masking all day long.
I’m not interested in pushing my children to hit academic targets if it comes at the cost of their well-being. I’m interested in raising emotionally healthy humans who feel safe being themselves in the world. That means honoring their limits, respecting their signals, and working with them instead of forcing them to push through.
And you know what? That mindset shift hasn’t harmed their education. It’s helped it. Because when they do go to school—which is most days—they’re present, engaged, and open to learning.
Schools Must Catch Up
Unfortunately, many schools still operate from a mindset that academics come first, and mental health is an “extra” or a “bonus.” That thinking is outdated—and harmful.
Educators and administrators need to understand that supporting emotional regulation isn’t spoiling a child or lowering expectations. It’s the foundation for everything else. When schools create environments that support regulation, they make room for all kinds of learners—not just the ones who appear “calm” on the outside.
My Message to Other Parents
If you’re a parent reading this and feeling like your child just can’t keep up right now, I want you to know: you’re not alone. You’re not being too soft. You’re seeing the full picture of your child, and that matters more than any grade.
Sometimes, when school isn’t working—even with support—it’s a sign that something bigger needs to shift. That could mean updating your child’s IEP, or even exploring a different placement that better supports their emotional and sensory needs. These are not easy decisions. But they’re sometimes the right ones.
I’ve been there. And I’ve seen how powerful it can be when the system does start to meet a child where they are. If you think your child may need more than they’re currently getting, you don’t have to figure it out alone. At Shefter Law, we help families navigate those conversations with schools—from requesting evaluations, to advocating for mental health supports, to finding a placement that truly fits.
We do this because we’ve lived it—and because every child deserves to feel safe, supported, and capable of learning on their own terms.
