In this episode of Stress-Free IEP®, Frances Shefter speaks with Maria Slavin. Maria is a Certified Life & Executive Coach, Occupational Therapist, Speaker/Facilitator, expert in emotional intelligence, self-regulation, and relationships. Maria is owner of In-Sync and Social, LLC, which provides individual and group Occupational Therapy specializing in the areas of social skills, sensory processing and motor development. She also coaches a group of exceptional moms, helping them gain self-awareness and coping skills to regulate their own nervous systems while parenting kids who learn differently & feel deeply.
Tune into to the episode to hear about:
Life coaching for all ages
Easy tips for accountability
Lifting the blame and making sure you’re prioritizing yourself too
Frances Shefter is an Education Attorney and Advocate who is committed to helping her clients have a Stress-Free IEP® experience. In each podcast, Frances interviews inspiring people to share information, educate you, empower you and help you get the knowledge you need.
VOICEOVER (00:00:00): Welcome to Stress-Free IEP®. You do not need to do it all alone with your host, Frances Shefter, Principal of Shefter Law. You can get more details and catch prior episodes at www.Shefterlaw.com. The Stress-Free IEP® video podcast is also posted on YouTube and LinkedIn and you can listen to episodes through Apple podcasts, Spotify, Google podcast, Stitcher and more. Now, here’s the host of StressFree IEP®. Frances Shefter.
Frances Shefter (00:00:37): Hello, everyone, and welcome to the show. Today’s guest has me incredibly excited because, as you all know, I’m constantly on the lookout for individuals with unique perspectives and ideas that I haven’t come across before. It’s essential to keep our audience informed and engaged. So, let me introduce Maria Slavin, who runs a private practice called “Insync and Social.” She offers occupational therapy, which, I have to admit, is not something you encounter every day – definitely not your run-of-the-mill service.
But what truly sets Maria apart is her coaching group for exceptional moms. This is a resource for those of us who are moms with kids who have special needs or are just a little different, maybe struggling with learning differences. I share your sentiments about the term “special needs,” and I agree that we should work on changing it. But that’s precisely what Maria specializes in.
I’m eager to learn more, so Maria, could you please share some insights into your coaching program for moms?
Maria Slavin (00:01:28): “Thank you, and thank you for having me. I have two kids with ADHD, and I’ve been working as an occupational therapist with neurodivergent kids for years, spanning all levels of the autism spectrum, ADHD, anxiety – you name it.
But what really started to hit home for me was as my kids got older. My oldest was diagnosed in sixth grade, and my youngest in second grade. They were navigating typical educational environments with IEPs, but the stress at home kept piling up. It encompassed everything from emotional dysregulation to schoolwork resistance, procrastinating on assignments until the last minute.
When my son was diagnosed with ADHD in middle school, it hit me – I didn’t have all the answers. So, I began focusing on teaching acceptance, self-advocacy, and emphasizing that having ADHD doesn’t equate to lacking intelligence. It’s an executive functioning disorder that requires strategies for compensation, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t smart or can’t be successful. I firmly believe the earlier kids learn this, the better.
As I got older, I started noticing my own nervous system reactions, especially when things got loud. No parent enjoys loud screaming, but it started to bother me more and more. It was fascinating to experience this and consider all the kids I’ve worked with – the ones who covered their ears when fire engines roared by or during noisy assemblies. It made me think about what it’s like to have heightened senses, how it triggers and overwhelms you.
This got me reflecting on parents who might be neurodivergent themselves or have experienced trauma, where certain sounds, sights, or touch can be triggering. All of this ties into parenting. It aligns with research that underscores co-regulation as the key to the parent-child relationship. You can’t share your calm if you don’t know how to calm yourself. Nobody’s perfect; I make mistakes all the time. It’s about raising awareness, because we often operate on autopilot and don’t even think about these things until we find ourselves reacting emotionally.”
Frances Shefter (00:04:29): We often find ourselves emulating our parents’ behaviors because they were our role models. I find that concept fascinating. It’s a bit like, “I love this; this is what we do.” I’ve recently created a couple of short videos on my YouTube channel discussing the importance of parents taking care of themselves. There’s been a surge of memes circulating lately, highlighting a critical point: when a child doesn’t know how to tie their shoe, we teach them; when they struggle with counting, we teach them. However, when it comes to emotional regulation, the approach often shifts towards punishment. It’s as if there’s an unspoken rule that says, “You can’t behave this way.”
Instead, it should be more of an invitation to understand the child’s emotional state. Acknowledge their feelings, like saying, “I know you’re really upset, and I understand that you don’t want to do this. Unfortunately, this is what we need to do.” And, like you, I’m far from perfect. There are times when I get triggered and raise my voice, but I always circle back and apologize, saying, “I’m sorry; Mommy shouldn’t have yelled.”
Maria Slavin (00:05:19): Certainly, this is where we stand. No blame is assigned; it’s all about fostering awareness. Drawing from my years of experience as a therapist, this awareness gradually developed during my own parenting journey. It’s truly been an evolving process. It’s important to emphasize that nobody should hear these things and jump to conclusions like, “I must be a bad parent,” or “It’s too late for me to make changes.”
If you’re familiar with Doctor Becky Kennedy, who hosts the “Good Inside” program and has a significant presence on social media, including recent appearances on the Today Show and a TEDx talk, you may already be acquainted with her philosophy. She places great importance on the concept of repair, which beautifully aligns with what you just mentioned – the significance of saying “I’m sorry.” Some parents might not give it much thought, or if they do, they could be a bit apprehensive, wondering, “Is it even worth bringing up after I lose my cool?” or “What will people think?” or “I feel guilty.” However, in reality, it’s a crucial step to take.
Frances Shefter (00:06:31): I used to believe that it would underscore my authority, you know. There have certainly been times when I’ve said to my kids, “That’s it; I’ve had enough. I’m canceling all the activities this weekend.” But then I catch myself and realize, “Wait, hold on. This isn’t appropriate. It’s not relevant, and it won’t teach them anything.”
Maria Slavin (00:06:48): It’s one of those things that can slip out of your mouth before you even realize what you’re saying. And the truth is, we all do it. However, that moment of awareness you just described, where you catch yourself, even if it’s in the heat of the moment and you stop and think, “Wait a minute,” that’s huge. If you can rephrase it right then and there, that’s awesome. It’s like you’re actively demonstrating how to regulate yourself, how to notice your emotions escalating, and how to be attentive to the words you’re using. You’re showing that it’s never too late to recover and make adjustments – a vital lesson for our kids.
And when you do lose your cool, coming back later to apologize shows them the importance of taking responsibility. It also reassures them that it’s not their fault. While we do want them to follow the rules, it’s not about being overly permissive or letting kids do whatever they want just because they’re feeling upset. Striking a balance is crucial because focusing solely on compliance while ignoring their feelings doesn’t work either. Going back to say, “I’m sorry,” and holding yourself accountable, lets them know they’re loved. Sometimes, little kids don’t understand what’s going on, and they might even think it’s their fault. So, providing an explanation can be really beneficial.
Frances Shefter (00:08:08): Yes, it has unquestionably made a significant difference in my household. I’ve noticed a real shift because instead of both of us yelling, I can now bring myself down because I’m aware of it. And let me tell you, it’s taken years to get here, so I’m far from perfect. But I’ve come to realize that when my child’s emotions are escalating, if I can keep my own emotions in check and empathize with her anger, it makes a huge difference.
For example, I might say, “I understand that you’re really mad and upset, but it’s not okay to call Mommy a name. Let’s try expressing your feelings differently.” When I approach it like that, she’s more receptive, even if she’s still struggling to regulate her emotions. But if I yell at her, she just tunes out, all she hears is a lot of loud noise and not the message.
Maria Slavin (00:08:49): Absolutely, and before you know it, both you and your child are caught up in a back-and-forth argument. Later, as a mom, you end up feeling terrible—yes, that classic mom guilt. It’s a common scenario, for sure. What really helps is when we can share a sense of calm. It’s not just about setting an example; science tells us that we genuinely share a connection, an energy link through our mirror neurons and nervous systems. This is how we pick up on each other’s emotions – people often say emotions are contagious. So, when they yell and we yell back, it’s not just about the loud noise and words; it’s like an energy exchange between our nervous systems.
In those moments when we’re strong enough to step outside the situation and not take it personally, it can make a significant difference. I mean, it’s challenging, but it’s possible. Instead of reacting with anger, you can try to be more understanding and ask if different words can be used. What’s important these days is the idea of getting curious, not furious. If you can remain calm and perhaps inject a bit of playfulness or ask questions, these approaches can help de-escalate the situation, almost like providing some entertainment or distraction. But we have to lead by example, as you mentioned. It’s a continuous process, not something that gets fixed overnight, and none of us will ever be perfect at it. But the key is to keep trying.
Frances Shefter (00:10:21): It’s crucial to be open and honest with our children, letting them know that we’re not perfect either. It’s perfectly okay to lose your temper; it happens. What’s not okay is throwing things or reacting in a harmful way. When you do lose your temper, it’s important to circle back and apologize, making the person you were upset with feel better or letting them know that you’ve addressed the issue.
I wanted to touch on what you mentioned about energy. I had a conversation with my mom a while ago about something my daughter was doing. My mom made a comment, asking if we were stressed right now. I replied that yes, there was some stress related to my husband’s work, and she said, “That’s what she’s feeling.” It struck me because, even though the stress wasn’t directly targeted at her, my daughter was absorbing that negative energy, that sense of upsetness. She was reacting to the stress in the environment, which was affecting her behavior without her necessarily experiencing her own stress.
Maria Slavin (00:11:14): Absolutely, you’re spot on. Kids truly are like sponges, soaking up everything they see, hear, and experience. That’s why, as you rightly pointed out, even when our issues don’t directly involve them, we should do our best to handle whatever’s going on in our lives in a way that doesn’t involve screaming at our spouses or slamming doors – those kinds of reactions. Now, everyone makes mistakes, of course, but it genuinely impacts them. They not only feel it in the moment, but they’re also observing those modeling skills.
The way we handle big feelings leaves an imprint on them, and they tend to carry those patterns into their own relationships. So, showing them healthy coping strategies rather than unhealthy ones is crucial. It might seem a bit daunting, but it’s also incredibly empowering to think that we have the opportunity to repair, no matter how bad things might have been. We can still make that connection and have meaningful conversations with them, even years later. I understand that some people never get to work things out in their families, but there are others who do, and that’s a testament to the fact that it’s never too late.
Frances Shefter (00:12:43): You’re absolutely right, it’s never too late to make amends or reconnect. It’s interesting because my rabbi gave a sermon over the weekend about how family members often don’t communicate for no apparent reason. It makes you wonder, “Why not just pick up the phone and call them?” Building and maintaining those connections are so important. Of course, there’s a lot to unpack here, and my thoughts are scattered all over the place.
Maria Slavin (00:13:07): I know. That’s why I’m fascinated and obsessed with it.
Frances Shefter (00:13:13):Absolutely, it’s an amazing approach. It’s akin to what you were mentioning about executive functioning. I’m currently in the process of getting my kids evaluated, and what I tell them is, “We’re going to see a special doctor who will help us understand how your brain works differently.” Because, as I always remind them, everybody’s brain is unique. We’re going to figure out how your brain functions by playing some fun games and doing activities that will help us communicate and learn better. And they genuinely enjoy going to these sessions; they often ask, “Can we go again? Can we go again?” They find it cool, and that’s what it’s all about. Sometimes you have to undergo testing to identify where you might need some additional support or assistance.
Maria Slavin (00:13:51): Oh my gosh, that’s so true, and it’s something we discuss in my coaching group. In fact, I recently had a guest speaker every month, and you should definitely consider joining us and connecting with other moms. One of our speakers was a special education attorney who is not only a colleague but also a friend I’ve known for a long time. She was talking about education, special education, advocacy, and the legal aspects. What’s incredible is that she also has a neurodivergent child who initially started out as nonverbal, had speech issues, and faced various learning differences. They underwent a lot of testing and overcame numerous obstacles. They transitioned from early intervention, non-verbal, and showing cognitive processing delays to taking 10 AP courses in high school and eventually getting accepted into the college of his dreams.
We delved into the emotional journey with him, so I had both the attorney and her son on the show. He was just adorable, and he shared how his mom’s advocacy played a crucial role. He mentioned that his mom sat him down at the table and let him read his report. It wasn’t about telling him he wasn’t good enough, but rather having an open and honest conversation. They discussed how his brain was different, how he learned differently, and how they were going to face it head-on and learn what they needed to do. He recognized that he might have to work harder in some areas, that life isn’t always fair, but he also had numerous talents and gifts. He became so confident that he would tell people, “Could you repeat that? I have auditory processing issues.” It’s remarkable, and their journey is truly inspiring.
Frances Shefter (00:15:44): I’m trying to recall who it was. It was years ago, and I hesitate to mention a name because I might get it wrong. But I distinctly remember one of the psychologists I collaborated with on one of my court cases. I believe he met with both the parents and the child to review the report. That’s important because our children need to understand that there’s nothing wrong, nothing to hide; we’re just different. It’s not about perfection. I actually did a podcast episode about this because my guest didn’t show up. It was all about how it’s absolutely okay to be different, how it’s acceptable not to be perfect, and how our unique ways of thinking are important. Learning how we function, even as adults, remains significant, and it’s never too late.
Maria Slavin (00:16:37): You’re absolutely right, and it’s essential for kids to hear that they may learn differently, but they are enough, just as you mentioned. It’s not only about the words we use but also the energy and vibration we convey when correcting or guiding them around the house, dealing with assignments, and so on. I’ve caught myself getting frustrated with my son at times – for instance, when he loses the basketball again. My older one has ADHD, and it suddenly occurred to me that he wasn’t doing it on purpose. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me, especially when it’s the fifth basketball. But I began to think about my tone of voice and how my energy came across – it sounded so blaming. And once again, considering how kids internalize things, I started changing my approach.
Now, I might say something like, “Oh, gosh, you did it again, huh?” and we’d share a little laugh. Then I’d say, “You know what? I lose things too. Let’s think about how we can prevent this from happening in the future. Maybe you shouldn’t take the ball out to the park; let’s keep it here. What can we do differently?” It’s all about being more conscious in our parenting and moving away from autopilot mode. We never intend any harm because we love our kids so much, but the stresses and busyness of daily life can sometimes make us sound critical. And if we say things like, “You’re behind at school,” it won’t help build their self-concept. So, it’s another facet of awareness, not just regulating during arguments and such, but also focusing on what we say in our daily interactions. Are we uplifting and building them up? They really need it, and they all deserve it, but I genuinely need it too.
Frances Shefter (00:18:15):I need to head home and apologize to my children because, well, we recently got a puppy who has managed to chew up three shoes – two of my older daughters’ shoes and one belonging to my younger daughter. I’ve found myself constantly buying new shoes, and it’s been quite frustrating. But I’ve realized that it’s not fair to blame the puppy, and I shouldn’t be blaming my kids for leaving their shoes out either. What I should be doing is having a conversation with them about what we need to do differently to prevent this from happening.
My best friend, who will probably be listening to this later if she’s not already, suggested getting a box or a crate with a cover to place by the front door. This way, the kids can take off their shoes when they walk in and put them in the box, covering it up. That would eliminate the need to constantly worry about the puppy getting to the shoes. I know, it’s a great idea, and I didn’t buy the box yet, but I’m definitely going to order it now.
Maria Slavin (00:19:05): But the important thing is that you’re thinking about it, and you’re having an “aha” moment – that’s all we can do. I do the same; I listen to other podcasts, read books, and I’m genuinely fascinated by psychology and behavior, always keeping up with the latest research. Then, I’ll reflect and think, “Oh my gosh.” I have those moments of concern, but knowing that the concept of repair is there for us, it’s reassuring. It also gives me peace of mind to know that we can always say we’re sorry, take accountability, and model how to handle making a mistake.
Whether it’s blowing up, leaving shoes out, or not doing what’s expected of us, it doesn’t make us bad. It’s simply an opportunity to figure out how we can try to fix it, learn from it, and do better next time.
Frances Shefter (00:19:51): I just love it. And I’m assuming this is what your coaching group does. Like how does that work?
Maria Slavin (00:20:01): In the realm of social and emotional learning, the focus starts with the parents. This includes a wide range of topics that encompass many of the things we’ve been discussing, such as regulating the nervous system and understanding some of the neuroscience behind it, all without diving too deep into the technical details. It’s about learning how certain mechanisms in our brain work, how our bodies react, and how we can manage these reactions.
We also explore patterns in relationships and the potential wounds we carry from our childhood. The goal is not to blame but to become aware of how these patterns might be affecting our parenting. For example, you might ask yourself, “Am I getting triggered because my mom was a perfectionist, and now when my child with ADHD doesn’t study and gets a poor grade, I react strongly?”
It’s important to recognize that our children are unique individuals who require socialization and coping skills. This learning process unfolds within the group, and I also provide coaching to parents with children who have various labels and different needs. I offer support and guidance to all parents who are looking to improve their parenting skills.
Frances Shefter (00:21:13): So, it’s a group and then you also do individually?
Maria Slavin (00:21:18): We offer an intensive 90-day program, where participants engage with the group every week and have one-on-one sessions with me weekly. This program offers more advanced features and can be customized based on the parent’s preferences. For instance, we can alternate the one-on-one sessions with the parent and their child, and I can provide as much scaffolding for the child as needed.
Even in our monthly membership, each session follows a structured format. We begin by focusing on our wins, celebrating the positive moments. This helps acknowledge the small victories, even if there were challenging times during the week. Participants then have the opportunity to share their struggles, providing a supportive and cathartic experience. During this sharing phase, peer coaching takes place. This aspect is particularly valuable because parents with different experiences, whether they’re new to parenting neurodivergent children or have more experience, can offer valuable insights and empathy.
We also include a Q&A session in every session where parents can ask specific questions about their children’s needs and challenges. These questions cover a wide range, from dealing with meltdowns during the morning routine to teaching teenagers to drive. I’ve had the privilege of working with children of varying diagnoses and functioning levels for over 20 years, so I’m confident in my ability to provide coaching on a multitude of topics. This might involve sharing specific strategies from programs like Zones of Regulation or Social Thinking, or incorporating elements of CBT for both parents and children, focusing on areas like perspective-taking.
While the primary focus is on helping children, I also emphasize the importance of self-care for parents. We understand the immense stress parents face, especially when raising children with specific needs. It’s important for parents to remember that they are individuals too. I encourage them to reconnect with friends and engage in activities they love because, as moms, we deserve to care for ourselves too.
Frances Shefter (00:24:40): I love that. You say that because I did a video about how do you prepare for your IEP meeting and it’s like, take care of you first because if you’re not emotionally centered, then it’s very hard. And I’ve gone to IEP meetings for my own child and I get emotionally disregulation. I’ll admit it. It’s hard,
Maria Slavin (00:24:59): It’s hard, it’s hard to really…
Frances Shefter (00:25:01):I totally understand how it can be overwhelming to hear all this information about your child. We often find ourselves saying “but, but, but” when it comes to our children’s needs. It’s essential to remember that taking care of yourself is equally important. As moms, we often take on a lot, believing we can handle it all. We think, “We’ve got this; we can do it all.”
This reminds me of a scene in the movie “Encanto” with the character Luisa. She’s strong and capable, but even she reaches a point where she needs support and a break. Just like her, we need to acknowledge our own limits and remember to prioritize self-care.
Maria Slavin (00:25:23): You’re absolutely right; there comes a point where you might break, and that’s incredibly tough on you. It’s not just the stress that keeps you on edge but also the stress that can lead to depression, causing some parents to shut down. It’s important to note that these responses are natural and not anyone’s fault. However, it’s crucial to understand that your kids are picking up on these signals, whether it’s your edginess or your emotional withdrawal.
Children are perceptive, and if they notice you in bed a lot, sleeping excessively, or not being present, they might internalize it as something related to them. That’s why self-care is essential. It’s not limited to regulating your emotions in the moment; it includes a range of practices.
For instance, finding time for exercise can be a challenge, but even a 10-15 minute walk or some personal time with your favorite music can help bring you down from stress. Seeing your friends occasionally, taking time for yourself, and engaging in various self-care activities are all pieces of the puzzle. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Frances Shefter (00:26:37): Absolutely, it’s like when I think about a group of moms I’ve known since our kids were in kindergarten. That’s when COVID first shut everything down. So, recently, we all went out, and it was such a relief just to hang out with friends who have kids of the same age and not have to constantly think about it. We could talk about what’s going on in our lives, share our experiences, and even discuss those challenging conversations we need to have with our 8 or 9-year-old daughters, who seem to be growing up so fast.
Maria Slavin (00:27:11): I know. And it’s just so great.
Frances Shefter (00:27:12): It’s great to have that support system.
Maria Slavin (00:27:16): Some moms, whether neurodiverse or not, find themselves really isolated. They lack a circle of friends, especially new mom friends. I’m personally very fortunate in this regard. I’ve managed to stay close with a lot of girls I grew up with, and I know it’s somewhat unusual to maintain high school friendships, but they’ve been a crucial part of my life. These friends are my lifelines, and their support has made a huge difference. So, I can’t stress enough how important it is to have a support network. I understand that moms often feel like they don’t have the time, but neglecting this aspect can leave you depleted. If you don’t have friends, it’s not something to feel bad about. Still, it’s worth being a bit proactive. If you’re shy or find it challenging to make the first move, it can be tough, but don’t hesitate to reach out to a fellow mom whose child goes to the same school and suggest meeting up for coffee. Push yourself a little beyond your comfort zone, and the rewards will be well worth it.
Frances Shefter (00:28:17): Right. Well, and I’m assuming your coaching group that they form bonds?
Maria Slavin (00:28:23): Absolutely. That’s one of the beautiful aspects of the post-COVID world. While online communities and resources existed before, the pandemic prompted me to form an online coaching group. My main practice is still in the office, and I see some kids virtually and some in person. The online coaching group allows women from all over the country and the world to join, connect, and learn together. Regarding local members, yes, some of them have started getting together to go for walks, chat outside of our group, and stay in touch. We also have an online Slack community where they can interact throughout the week and ask me questions. This kind of connection is essential because many of them have expressed feelings of isolation, weightiness, and a lack of support. Their husbands might not be as involved, or they might not have a strong relationship with other family members, so they truly value the support and connection with fellow women.
Frances Shefter (00:29:36): Absolutely. There’s truly nothing quite like the bond of long-term friendships. I also have a group of four friends, and we’ve known each other since elementary school, spanning many years. What’s amusing is the age difference among our kids because I had children later than some of the others. Still, it’s wonderful to have that enduring relationship with friends you’ve known for so long. It’s equally valuable as connecting with new moms who have kids the same age now because, even though we’ve experienced motherhood before, dealing with fourth-grade children 20 years ago is very different from parenting fourth-grade children today.
Maria Slavin (00:30:16): Yes. Absolutely.
Frances Shefter (00:30:17): know, COVID, internet, all that other stuff. So, it’s just, that connection.
Maria Slavin (00:30:24): Absolutely. Just hearing someone say, “Yeah, I don’t feel bad. I gave cereal for dinner twice this week too,” is a relief for moms who tend to be hard on themselves and think they should prepare a full gourmet meal every time. And it’s reassuring to know that many of us are in the same boat.
Frances Shefter (00:30:39):It’s quite funny when you mention that my husband takes charge of dinner most of the time because of his early mornings. Sometimes I catch myself getting frustrated when he serves fish sticks, frozen vegetables, and french fries. But I realize I need to cut him some slack. After all, it’s not McDonald’s, and there’s some nutrition in those veggies.
Maria Slavin (00:30:59): You just buy your frozen stuff from Whole Foods or Trader Joes and then you feel better. Right?
Frances Shefter (00:31:04): Precisely, it’s not like the old days when my mom would prepare homemade meals every single night. She didn’t work full-time, and things were different. Sometimes I think back to those times and imagine that I could do the same if I were home all day.
Maria Slavin (00:31:23): Absolutely, we can’t do it all. And, you know, we’re joking about giving our kids frozen food, but in reality, we all do it from time to time. Nutrition is another ongoing challenge, and we’ll have phases where we do better than others. It’s just part of the process, and we have to keep working on it. Career women are incredibly busy, and it’s a tough balancing act.
Frances Shefter (00:31:48): Our tribe.
Maria Slavin (00:31:51): Absolutely, it’s so comforting to hear someone else say, “Hey, I get it, you’re in your head and being hard on yourself.” When they share their own parenting mishaps, it’s incredibly helpful. And sometimes, when you’re socializing with friends, it’s nice to have conversations that don’t revolve around our kids.
Frances Shefter (00:32:08): Yes, it can be challenging to get together with friends and intentionally avoid discussing our kids. But, as you mentioned, we also need to work on our own social skills and engage in adult conversations that aren’t solely centered around our children.
Maria Slavin (00:32:22): Oh, just that I really want to emphasize the importance of something. When is the last time you saw your friends? I posed this question one week, and it’s something that many moms, whether they have kids and are working or not, tend to overlook. They often prioritize their children over themselves, possibly even if they have many friends. It hasn’t crossed their minds that it’s okay to go out on a Saturday, for instance. This is especially relevant for those who might feel isolated. I’m trying to draw their attention to the fact that moms need friendship and human connection just as much as anyone else.
Think about it: the social skills we teach our kids are intended to help them develop quality relationships, right? It all comes down to human connection and deriving fulfillment from it. As humans, we all require these connections, and moms should remember that.
Frances Shefter (00:33:19): Right, and it’s like there’s just so much to handle. As moms, we often find ourselves doing everything, whether we’re career moms, working moms, or even stay-at-home moms. Career moms might have it a bit easier sometimes, as they have connections with people at work. On the other hand, stay-at-home moms can experience a sense of isolation, which is significant. But it’s okay. I remember seeing a meme where people were posting about all the things they baked, made for the PTA, or crafted for various activities. I’m just proud of keeping my kids alive today.
Maria Slavin (00:34:02): That’s okay. Right, absolutely. There’s no right or wrong. We simply want to be the best versions of ourselves for both our sake and our kids’. It’s so easy to forget this when we’re all caught up in our hectic lives. Is it easy to incorporate this into our lives? No, it’s not. But what’s the alternative? Should we just say, ‘It’s too hard,’ and not acknowledge our own emotions, leading to shutdown or lashing out, affecting our homes? I think it’s essential to keep working on it, even if it’s just a little bit at a time.
Frances Shefter (00:34:45): That’s perfectly fine. Absolutely, there’s no right or wrong here. What we truly aim for is to be the best versions of ourselves, both for our own well-being and for the sake of our children. It’s remarkably easy to lose sight of this amidst our hectic lives. Can we easily integrate these practices into our lives? The answer is no, it’s not easy. But what’s the alternative? Do we simply throw our hands up and say, ‘It’s too challenging’? Neglecting our own emotions and resorting to shutdowns or outbursts, which inevitably impact our homes? I believe it’s crucial to persist in this journey, even if it means taking small steps.
Maria Slavin (00:34:54): Right. Right. And we talk about those things too. What are your current coping mechanisms? And again, there’s no blame and there are moms who say I’m probably drinking too much wine. And talk about what can you do to start to change a little bit? You know, how do we change habits? We start with routines. So the science behind that too and then accountability. So one mom would say, ok, I want to eat smaller portions this week and I’ll check in and I’ll say, ok, now you check in with me like every other day and tell me how it’s going and sometimes that little piece of accountability for them, helps them stay on track and somebody else, they might wanna walk somebody else, they might wanna do a meditation but whatever it is, if we can start to substitute our less healthy coping mechanisms for some better ones, you know, it’s not just regulating in the moment. It’s what can we do daily or every other day to kind of just, like, chill things out. Keep us regulated on a regular basis.
Frances Shefter (00:35:59): Exactly. So, what can we do to manage it? Yes, precisely. When you experience that intense anxiety, how can you release it? For instance, when I was in law school, I had a routine of walking to all my exams because the school was about a mile and a half away. It was my way of calming myself down before walking into an exam. So, what can we do? Sometimes, it can be as straightforward as taking the stairs or going for a walk around the block, you know?”
Maria Slavin (00:36:29): Exactly. You can sit in the car and listen to a song that puts you in a good mood before going inside the house. Whether you’ve had a stressful day at work or other reasons, there are various ways to address it. It’s all about recognizing that these actions are worthwhile, important, and that even small changes can have a significant impact on your relationships over time.
Frances Shefter (00:36:52): Exactly. You can sit in the car and listen to a song that puts you in a good mood before going inside the house. Whether you’ve had a stressful day at work or other reasons, there are various ways to address it. It’s all about recognizing that these actions are worthwhile, important, and that even small changes can have a significant impact on your relationships over time.
Maria Slavin (00:37:14): So within Insync and Social, the private practice I’ve operated since 2014, we offer regular occupational therapy services. These services can be conducted virtually or in my office, which is located in Media, PA. If someone is in close proximity and prefers in-person individual occupational therapy, we can assist with sensory processing, fine motor skills, emotional regulation, or social coaching. In addition to individual services, we offer social skills groups within the office. The coaching for moms is provided online. While I’ve been running the private practice for a while, the online coaching is a relatively newer addition.
Frances Shefter (00:38:05): So I’m hearing your office is in Pennsylvania but because the mom’s thing is online, it doesn’t matter where people are, right? They are nationwide.
Maria Slavin (00:38:16): Yeah.
Frances Shefter (00:38:17): No, because I’m starting to branch out. As attorneys, we can offer legal services only in states where we’re licensed, such as Maryland, DC, New Jersey, and Florida at the moment. However, we can act as advocates and offer advocacy services anywhere.
Maria Slavin (00:38:33): So, I’m taking my expertise in neurodiversity and combining it with my life coach certification. This allows me to offer coaching services online to anyone worldwide, provided they can accommodate the time zone difference. We have two sessions each week: one around lunchtime, which generally works for those in Eastern Standard Time, and another in the evening on Thursdays. You can choose the one that suits your schedule. Additionally, there’s an online community that offers continuous support throughout the week. You can participate in the coaching sessions as much or as little as you prefer.
Frances Shefter (00:39:33): That’s awesome. I love that because, as we’ve discussed, it’s a part of the reason behind the show – we just didn’t know there were mom coaches who focus on these aspects. It’s fantastic to hear your passion and the science behind it. So it’s not just a label, unlike many who call themselves life coaches nowadays. Can you tell us more about the training and qualifications in your field?
Maria Slavin (00:40:02): Right, you can obtain a coaching certification in just a few months, and not all coaches have clinical backgrounds. It’s essential to be cautious and ensure that the coach possesses the required expertise and knowledge. As for the child aspect, I’ve been working with kids for a long time, and I’m very experienced in that area. It’s incredibly exciting for me to delve into the world of mothers, their emotions, regulation, and not just parenting but all aspects of their relationships. I also provide guidance tailored to the specific needs of their neurodivergent child. Sometimes, if a mom opts for an additional one-on-one session outside the group, her child may join in. Occasionally, these kids are quite rigid in their thinking, even if they haven’t received a diagnosis yet. They may be labeled as stubborn or uncooperative. But I’ve always had a natural ability to connect with kids of all ages and stages, regardless of labels. It’s why I chose a career in pediatrics, and I’m grateful for this talent. Through coaching, I can provide a level of support that’s almost like having an occupational therapy consult. Since starting this program, I’ve been constantly thinking about how to explain it. On the website, it says, ‘Where expertise in neurodiversity meets having coffee with your friends.’ But recently, I’ve described it as being a life coach for moms in a support group with an OT consultation for their kids built in every week.
Frances Shefter (00:42:14): Awesome, and that’s exactly what I was expressing at the beginning. I enjoy discovering people with different approaches because, you know, every occupational therapist (OT) and every coach has their unique style. It’s not about one being better than the other; it’s about finding what suits you best and works for your needs. I’m truly excited about this program, and I’m eager to make it available to moms because we all need that support. So, how can people reach out to you?
Maria Slavin (00:42:48): So, the best way to reach out is through the website, which is insyncandsocial.com, with no hyphen. I know that typically in your podcasts, you provide links to the episodes, so you can find the details about Exceptional Moms and other services offered by InSync and Social there. I’ve recently revamped the website, giving prominence to the Exceptional Moms program, offering extensive information about what the program includes. You can either contact me or register directly through the website if you’re ready to get started. If you have any questions or wish to schedule a call, you can reach me using the contact form on the website.
Frances Shefter (00:43:30): Oh, that’s awesome. Thank you so much. I’ve learned so much. This has been so awesome. I love it because it’s like sitting and having coffee with a friend. You know?
Maria Slavin (00:43:38): I know I love talking about this stuff as well. I mean, I am legitimately obsessed with social emotional learning for all people. So it’s, it’s a pleasure to have the conversation. I appreciate you having me on.
Frances Shefter (00:43:56): Of course. Thank you.
Maria Slavin (00:43:58): OK, thank you.
VOICEOVER (00:43:59): You’ve been listening to Stress-Free IEP® with your host, Frances Shefter. Remember you do not need to do it all alone. You can reach Frances through Shefterlaw.com where prior episodes are also posted. Thank you for your positive reviews, comments and sharing the show with others through YouTube, LinkedIn Apple podcast, Spotify, Google Podcast, Stitcher and more.
Coaching Exceptional Moms with Maria Slavin (Ep 35: Stress-Free IEP® with Frances Shefter)
In this episode of Stress-Free IEP®, Frances Shefter speaks with Maria Slavin. Maria is a Certified Life & Executive Coach, Occupational Therapist, Speaker/Facilitator, expert in emotional intelligence, self-regulation, and relationships. Maria is owner of In-Sync and Social, LLC, which provides individual and group Occupational Therapy specializing in the areas of social skills, sensory processing and motor development. She also coaches a group of exceptional moms, helping them gain self-awareness and coping skills to regulate their own nervous systems while parenting kids who learn differently & feel deeply.
Tune into to the episode to hear about:
Learn more about Maria Slavin:
Stress-Free IEP®:
Frances Shefter is an Education Attorney and Advocate who is committed to helping her clients have a Stress-Free IEP® experience. In each podcast, Frances interviews inspiring people to share information, educate you, empower you and help you get the knowledge you need.
Watch more episodes of Stress-Free IEP®:
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FULL TRANSCRIPT:
VOICEOVER (00:00:00): Welcome to Stress-Free IEP®. You do not need to do it all alone with your host, Frances Shefter, Principal of Shefter Law. You can get more details and catch prior episodes at www.Shefterlaw.com. The Stress-Free IEP® video podcast is also posted on YouTube and LinkedIn and you can listen to episodes through Apple podcasts, Spotify, Google podcast, Stitcher and more. Now, here’s the host of StressFree IEP®. Frances Shefter.
Frances Shefter (00:00:37): Hello, everyone, and welcome to the show. Today’s guest has me incredibly excited because, as you all know, I’m constantly on the lookout for individuals with unique perspectives and ideas that I haven’t come across before. It’s essential to keep our audience informed and engaged. So, let me introduce Maria Slavin, who runs a private practice called “Insync and Social.” She offers occupational therapy, which, I have to admit, is not something you encounter every day – definitely not your run-of-the-mill service.
But what truly sets Maria apart is her coaching group for exceptional moms. This is a resource for those of us who are moms with kids who have special needs or are just a little different, maybe struggling with learning differences. I share your sentiments about the term “special needs,” and I agree that we should work on changing it. But that’s precisely what Maria specializes in.
I’m eager to learn more, so Maria, could you please share some insights into your coaching program for moms?
Maria Slavin (00:01:28): “Thank you, and thank you for having me. I have two kids with ADHD, and I’ve been working as an occupational therapist with neurodivergent kids for years, spanning all levels of the autism spectrum, ADHD, anxiety – you name it.
But what really started to hit home for me was as my kids got older. My oldest was diagnosed in sixth grade, and my youngest in second grade. They were navigating typical educational environments with IEPs, but the stress at home kept piling up. It encompassed everything from emotional dysregulation to schoolwork resistance, procrastinating on assignments until the last minute.
When my son was diagnosed with ADHD in middle school, it hit me – I didn’t have all the answers. So, I began focusing on teaching acceptance, self-advocacy, and emphasizing that having ADHD doesn’t equate to lacking intelligence. It’s an executive functioning disorder that requires strategies for compensation, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t smart or can’t be successful. I firmly believe the earlier kids learn this, the better.
As I got older, I started noticing my own nervous system reactions, especially when things got loud. No parent enjoys loud screaming, but it started to bother me more and more. It was fascinating to experience this and consider all the kids I’ve worked with – the ones who covered their ears when fire engines roared by or during noisy assemblies. It made me think about what it’s like to have heightened senses, how it triggers and overwhelms you.
This got me reflecting on parents who might be neurodivergent themselves or have experienced trauma, where certain sounds, sights, or touch can be triggering. All of this ties into parenting. It aligns with research that underscores co-regulation as the key to the parent-child relationship. You can’t share your calm if you don’t know how to calm yourself. Nobody’s perfect; I make mistakes all the time. It’s about raising awareness, because we often operate on autopilot and don’t even think about these things until we find ourselves reacting emotionally.”
Frances Shefter (00:04:29): We often find ourselves emulating our parents’ behaviors because they were our role models. I find that concept fascinating. It’s a bit like, “I love this; this is what we do.” I’ve recently created a couple of short videos on my YouTube channel discussing the importance of parents taking care of themselves. There’s been a surge of memes circulating lately, highlighting a critical point: when a child doesn’t know how to tie their shoe, we teach them; when they struggle with counting, we teach them. However, when it comes to emotional regulation, the approach often shifts towards punishment. It’s as if there’s an unspoken rule that says, “You can’t behave this way.”
Instead, it should be more of an invitation to understand the child’s emotional state. Acknowledge their feelings, like saying, “I know you’re really upset, and I understand that you don’t want to do this. Unfortunately, this is what we need to do.” And, like you, I’m far from perfect. There are times when I get triggered and raise my voice, but I always circle back and apologize, saying, “I’m sorry; Mommy shouldn’t have yelled.”
Maria Slavin (00:05:19): Certainly, this is where we stand. No blame is assigned; it’s all about fostering awareness. Drawing from my years of experience as a therapist, this awareness gradually developed during my own parenting journey. It’s truly been an evolving process. It’s important to emphasize that nobody should hear these things and jump to conclusions like, “I must be a bad parent,” or “It’s too late for me to make changes.”
If you’re familiar with Doctor Becky Kennedy, who hosts the “Good Inside” program and has a significant presence on social media, including recent appearances on the Today Show and a TEDx talk, you may already be acquainted with her philosophy. She places great importance on the concept of repair, which beautifully aligns with what you just mentioned – the significance of saying “I’m sorry.” Some parents might not give it much thought, or if they do, they could be a bit apprehensive, wondering, “Is it even worth bringing up after I lose my cool?” or “What will people think?” or “I feel guilty.” However, in reality, it’s a crucial step to take.
Frances Shefter (00:06:31): I used to believe that it would underscore my authority, you know. There have certainly been times when I’ve said to my kids, “That’s it; I’ve had enough. I’m canceling all the activities this weekend.” But then I catch myself and realize, “Wait, hold on. This isn’t appropriate. It’s not relevant, and it won’t teach them anything.”
Maria Slavin (00:06:48): It’s one of those things that can slip out of your mouth before you even realize what you’re saying. And the truth is, we all do it. However, that moment of awareness you just described, where you catch yourself, even if it’s in the heat of the moment and you stop and think, “Wait a minute,” that’s huge. If you can rephrase it right then and there, that’s awesome. It’s like you’re actively demonstrating how to regulate yourself, how to notice your emotions escalating, and how to be attentive to the words you’re using. You’re showing that it’s never too late to recover and make adjustments – a vital lesson for our kids.
And when you do lose your cool, coming back later to apologize shows them the importance of taking responsibility. It also reassures them that it’s not their fault. While we do want them to follow the rules, it’s not about being overly permissive or letting kids do whatever they want just because they’re feeling upset. Striking a balance is crucial because focusing solely on compliance while ignoring their feelings doesn’t work either. Going back to say, “I’m sorry,” and holding yourself accountable, lets them know they’re loved. Sometimes, little kids don’t understand what’s going on, and they might even think it’s their fault. So, providing an explanation can be really beneficial.
Frances Shefter (00:08:08): Yes, it has unquestionably made a significant difference in my household. I’ve noticed a real shift because instead of both of us yelling, I can now bring myself down because I’m aware of it. And let me tell you, it’s taken years to get here, so I’m far from perfect. But I’ve come to realize that when my child’s emotions are escalating, if I can keep my own emotions in check and empathize with her anger, it makes a huge difference.
For example, I might say, “I understand that you’re really mad and upset, but it’s not okay to call Mommy a name. Let’s try expressing your feelings differently.” When I approach it like that, she’s more receptive, even if she’s still struggling to regulate her emotions. But if I yell at her, she just tunes out, all she hears is a lot of loud noise and not the message.
Maria Slavin (00:08:49): Absolutely, and before you know it, both you and your child are caught up in a back-and-forth argument. Later, as a mom, you end up feeling terrible—yes, that classic mom guilt. It’s a common scenario, for sure. What really helps is when we can share a sense of calm. It’s not just about setting an example; science tells us that we genuinely share a connection, an energy link through our mirror neurons and nervous systems. This is how we pick up on each other’s emotions – people often say emotions are contagious. So, when they yell and we yell back, it’s not just about the loud noise and words; it’s like an energy exchange between our nervous systems.
In those moments when we’re strong enough to step outside the situation and not take it personally, it can make a significant difference. I mean, it’s challenging, but it’s possible. Instead of reacting with anger, you can try to be more understanding and ask if different words can be used. What’s important these days is the idea of getting curious, not furious. If you can remain calm and perhaps inject a bit of playfulness or ask questions, these approaches can help de-escalate the situation, almost like providing some entertainment or distraction. But we have to lead by example, as you mentioned. It’s a continuous process, not something that gets fixed overnight, and none of us will ever be perfect at it. But the key is to keep trying.
Frances Shefter (00:10:21): It’s crucial to be open and honest with our children, letting them know that we’re not perfect either. It’s perfectly okay to lose your temper; it happens. What’s not okay is throwing things or reacting in a harmful way. When you do lose your temper, it’s important to circle back and apologize, making the person you were upset with feel better or letting them know that you’ve addressed the issue.
I wanted to touch on what you mentioned about energy. I had a conversation with my mom a while ago about something my daughter was doing. My mom made a comment, asking if we were stressed right now. I replied that yes, there was some stress related to my husband’s work, and she said, “That’s what she’s feeling.” It struck me because, even though the stress wasn’t directly targeted at her, my daughter was absorbing that negative energy, that sense of upsetness. She was reacting to the stress in the environment, which was affecting her behavior without her necessarily experiencing her own stress.
Maria Slavin (00:11:14): Absolutely, you’re spot on. Kids truly are like sponges, soaking up everything they see, hear, and experience. That’s why, as you rightly pointed out, even when our issues don’t directly involve them, we should do our best to handle whatever’s going on in our lives in a way that doesn’t involve screaming at our spouses or slamming doors – those kinds of reactions. Now, everyone makes mistakes, of course, but it genuinely impacts them. They not only feel it in the moment, but they’re also observing those modeling skills.
The way we handle big feelings leaves an imprint on them, and they tend to carry those patterns into their own relationships. So, showing them healthy coping strategies rather than unhealthy ones is crucial. It might seem a bit daunting, but it’s also incredibly empowering to think that we have the opportunity to repair, no matter how bad things might have been. We can still make that connection and have meaningful conversations with them, even years later. I understand that some people never get to work things out in their families, but there are others who do, and that’s a testament to the fact that it’s never too late.
Frances Shefter (00:12:43): You’re absolutely right, it’s never too late to make amends or reconnect. It’s interesting because my rabbi gave a sermon over the weekend about how family members often don’t communicate for no apparent reason. It makes you wonder, “Why not just pick up the phone and call them?” Building and maintaining those connections are so important. Of course, there’s a lot to unpack here, and my thoughts are scattered all over the place.
Maria Slavin (00:13:07): I know. That’s why I’m fascinated and obsessed with it.
Frances Shefter (00:13:13):Absolutely, it’s an amazing approach. It’s akin to what you were mentioning about executive functioning. I’m currently in the process of getting my kids evaluated, and what I tell them is, “We’re going to see a special doctor who will help us understand how your brain works differently.” Because, as I always remind them, everybody’s brain is unique. We’re going to figure out how your brain functions by playing some fun games and doing activities that will help us communicate and learn better. And they genuinely enjoy going to these sessions; they often ask, “Can we go again? Can we go again?” They find it cool, and that’s what it’s all about. Sometimes you have to undergo testing to identify where you might need some additional support or assistance.
Maria Slavin (00:13:51): Oh my gosh, that’s so true, and it’s something we discuss in my coaching group. In fact, I recently had a guest speaker every month, and you should definitely consider joining us and connecting with other moms. One of our speakers was a special education attorney who is not only a colleague but also a friend I’ve known for a long time. She was talking about education, special education, advocacy, and the legal aspects. What’s incredible is that she also has a neurodivergent child who initially started out as nonverbal, had speech issues, and faced various learning differences. They underwent a lot of testing and overcame numerous obstacles. They transitioned from early intervention, non-verbal, and showing cognitive processing delays to taking 10 AP courses in high school and eventually getting accepted into the college of his dreams.
We delved into the emotional journey with him, so I had both the attorney and her son on the show. He was just adorable, and he shared how his mom’s advocacy played a crucial role. He mentioned that his mom sat him down at the table and let him read his report. It wasn’t about telling him he wasn’t good enough, but rather having an open and honest conversation. They discussed how his brain was different, how he learned differently, and how they were going to face it head-on and learn what they needed to do. He recognized that he might have to work harder in some areas, that life isn’t always fair, but he also had numerous talents and gifts. He became so confident that he would tell people, “Could you repeat that? I have auditory processing issues.” It’s remarkable, and their journey is truly inspiring.
Frances Shefter (00:15:44): I’m trying to recall who it was. It was years ago, and I hesitate to mention a name because I might get it wrong. But I distinctly remember one of the psychologists I collaborated with on one of my court cases. I believe he met with both the parents and the child to review the report. That’s important because our children need to understand that there’s nothing wrong, nothing to hide; we’re just different. It’s not about perfection. I actually did a podcast episode about this because my guest didn’t show up. It was all about how it’s absolutely okay to be different, how it’s acceptable not to be perfect, and how our unique ways of thinking are important. Learning how we function, even as adults, remains significant, and it’s never too late.
Maria Slavin (00:16:37): You’re absolutely right, and it’s essential for kids to hear that they may learn differently, but they are enough, just as you mentioned. It’s not only about the words we use but also the energy and vibration we convey when correcting or guiding them around the house, dealing with assignments, and so on. I’ve caught myself getting frustrated with my son at times – for instance, when he loses the basketball again. My older one has ADHD, and it suddenly occurred to me that he wasn’t doing it on purpose. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me, especially when it’s the fifth basketball. But I began to think about my tone of voice and how my energy came across – it sounded so blaming. And once again, considering how kids internalize things, I started changing my approach.
Now, I might say something like, “Oh, gosh, you did it again, huh?” and we’d share a little laugh. Then I’d say, “You know what? I lose things too. Let’s think about how we can prevent this from happening in the future. Maybe you shouldn’t take the ball out to the park; let’s keep it here. What can we do differently?” It’s all about being more conscious in our parenting and moving away from autopilot mode. We never intend any harm because we love our kids so much, but the stresses and busyness of daily life can sometimes make us sound critical. And if we say things like, “You’re behind at school,” it won’t help build their self-concept. So, it’s another facet of awareness, not just regulating during arguments and such, but also focusing on what we say in our daily interactions. Are we uplifting and building them up? They really need it, and they all deserve it, but I genuinely need it too.
Frances Shefter (00:18:15):I need to head home and apologize to my children because, well, we recently got a puppy who has managed to chew up three shoes – two of my older daughters’ shoes and one belonging to my younger daughter. I’ve found myself constantly buying new shoes, and it’s been quite frustrating. But I’ve realized that it’s not fair to blame the puppy, and I shouldn’t be blaming my kids for leaving their shoes out either. What I should be doing is having a conversation with them about what we need to do differently to prevent this from happening.
My best friend, who will probably be listening to this later if she’s not already, suggested getting a box or a crate with a cover to place by the front door. This way, the kids can take off their shoes when they walk in and put them in the box, covering it up. That would eliminate the need to constantly worry about the puppy getting to the shoes. I know, it’s a great idea, and I didn’t buy the box yet, but I’m definitely going to order it now.
Maria Slavin (00:19:05): But the important thing is that you’re thinking about it, and you’re having an “aha” moment – that’s all we can do. I do the same; I listen to other podcasts, read books, and I’m genuinely fascinated by psychology and behavior, always keeping up with the latest research. Then, I’ll reflect and think, “Oh my gosh.” I have those moments of concern, but knowing that the concept of repair is there for us, it’s reassuring. It also gives me peace of mind to know that we can always say we’re sorry, take accountability, and model how to handle making a mistake.
Whether it’s blowing up, leaving shoes out, or not doing what’s expected of us, it doesn’t make us bad. It’s simply an opportunity to figure out how we can try to fix it, learn from it, and do better next time.
Frances Shefter (00:19:51): I just love it. And I’m assuming this is what your coaching group does. Like how does that work?
Maria Slavin (00:20:01): In the realm of social and emotional learning, the focus starts with the parents. This includes a wide range of topics that encompass many of the things we’ve been discussing, such as regulating the nervous system and understanding some of the neuroscience behind it, all without diving too deep into the technical details. It’s about learning how certain mechanisms in our brain work, how our bodies react, and how we can manage these reactions.
We also explore patterns in relationships and the potential wounds we carry from our childhood. The goal is not to blame but to become aware of how these patterns might be affecting our parenting. For example, you might ask yourself, “Am I getting triggered because my mom was a perfectionist, and now when my child with ADHD doesn’t study and gets a poor grade, I react strongly?”
It’s important to recognize that our children are unique individuals who require socialization and coping skills. This learning process unfolds within the group, and I also provide coaching to parents with children who have various labels and different needs. I offer support and guidance to all parents who are looking to improve their parenting skills.
Frances Shefter (00:21:13): So, it’s a group and then you also do individually?
Maria Slavin (00:21:18): We offer an intensive 90-day program, where participants engage with the group every week and have one-on-one sessions with me weekly. This program offers more advanced features and can be customized based on the parent’s preferences. For instance, we can alternate the one-on-one sessions with the parent and their child, and I can provide as much scaffolding for the child as needed.
Even in our monthly membership, each session follows a structured format. We begin by focusing on our wins, celebrating the positive moments. This helps acknowledge the small victories, even if there were challenging times during the week. Participants then have the opportunity to share their struggles, providing a supportive and cathartic experience. During this sharing phase, peer coaching takes place. This aspect is particularly valuable because parents with different experiences, whether they’re new to parenting neurodivergent children or have more experience, can offer valuable insights and empathy.
We also include a Q&A session in every session where parents can ask specific questions about their children’s needs and challenges. These questions cover a wide range, from dealing with meltdowns during the morning routine to teaching teenagers to drive. I’ve had the privilege of working with children of varying diagnoses and functioning levels for over 20 years, so I’m confident in my ability to provide coaching on a multitude of topics. This might involve sharing specific strategies from programs like Zones of Regulation or Social Thinking, or incorporating elements of CBT for both parents and children, focusing on areas like perspective-taking.
While the primary focus is on helping children, I also emphasize the importance of self-care for parents. We understand the immense stress parents face, especially when raising children with specific needs. It’s important for parents to remember that they are individuals too. I encourage them to reconnect with friends and engage in activities they love because, as moms, we deserve to care for ourselves too.
Frances Shefter (00:24:40): I love that. You say that because I did a video about how do you prepare for your IEP meeting and it’s like, take care of you first because if you’re not emotionally centered, then it’s very hard. And I’ve gone to IEP meetings for my own child and I get emotionally disregulation. I’ll admit it. It’s hard,
Maria Slavin (00:24:59): It’s hard, it’s hard to really…
Frances Shefter (00:25:01):I totally understand how it can be overwhelming to hear all this information about your child. We often find ourselves saying “but, but, but” when it comes to our children’s needs. It’s essential to remember that taking care of yourself is equally important. As moms, we often take on a lot, believing we can handle it all. We think, “We’ve got this; we can do it all.”
This reminds me of a scene in the movie “Encanto” with the character Luisa. She’s strong and capable, but even she reaches a point where she needs support and a break. Just like her, we need to acknowledge our own limits and remember to prioritize self-care.
Maria Slavin (00:25:23): You’re absolutely right; there comes a point where you might break, and that’s incredibly tough on you. It’s not just the stress that keeps you on edge but also the stress that can lead to depression, causing some parents to shut down. It’s important to note that these responses are natural and not anyone’s fault. However, it’s crucial to understand that your kids are picking up on these signals, whether it’s your edginess or your emotional withdrawal.
Children are perceptive, and if they notice you in bed a lot, sleeping excessively, or not being present, they might internalize it as something related to them. That’s why self-care is essential. It’s not limited to regulating your emotions in the moment; it includes a range of practices.
For instance, finding time for exercise can be a challenge, but even a 10-15 minute walk or some personal time with your favorite music can help bring you down from stress. Seeing your friends occasionally, taking time for yourself, and engaging in various self-care activities are all pieces of the puzzle. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Frances Shefter (00:26:37): Absolutely, it’s like when I think about a group of moms I’ve known since our kids were in kindergarten. That’s when COVID first shut everything down. So, recently, we all went out, and it was such a relief just to hang out with friends who have kids of the same age and not have to constantly think about it. We could talk about what’s going on in our lives, share our experiences, and even discuss those challenging conversations we need to have with our 8 or 9-year-old daughters, who seem to be growing up so fast.
Maria Slavin (00:27:11): I know. And it’s just so great.
Frances Shefter (00:27:12): It’s great to have that support system.
Maria Slavin (00:27:16): Some moms, whether neurodiverse or not, find themselves really isolated. They lack a circle of friends, especially new mom friends. I’m personally very fortunate in this regard. I’ve managed to stay close with a lot of girls I grew up with, and I know it’s somewhat unusual to maintain high school friendships, but they’ve been a crucial part of my life. These friends are my lifelines, and their support has made a huge difference. So, I can’t stress enough how important it is to have a support network. I understand that moms often feel like they don’t have the time, but neglecting this aspect can leave you depleted. If you don’t have friends, it’s not something to feel bad about. Still, it’s worth being a bit proactive. If you’re shy or find it challenging to make the first move, it can be tough, but don’t hesitate to reach out to a fellow mom whose child goes to the same school and suggest meeting up for coffee. Push yourself a little beyond your comfort zone, and the rewards will be well worth it.
Frances Shefter (00:28:17): Right. Well, and I’m assuming your coaching group that they form bonds?
Maria Slavin (00:28:23): Absolutely. That’s one of the beautiful aspects of the post-COVID world. While online communities and resources existed before, the pandemic prompted me to form an online coaching group. My main practice is still in the office, and I see some kids virtually and some in person. The online coaching group allows women from all over the country and the world to join, connect, and learn together. Regarding local members, yes, some of them have started getting together to go for walks, chat outside of our group, and stay in touch. We also have an online Slack community where they can interact throughout the week and ask me questions. This kind of connection is essential because many of them have expressed feelings of isolation, weightiness, and a lack of support. Their husbands might not be as involved, or they might not have a strong relationship with other family members, so they truly value the support and connection with fellow women.
Frances Shefter (00:29:36): Absolutely. There’s truly nothing quite like the bond of long-term friendships. I also have a group of four friends, and we’ve known each other since elementary school, spanning many years. What’s amusing is the age difference among our kids because I had children later than some of the others. Still, it’s wonderful to have that enduring relationship with friends you’ve known for so long. It’s equally valuable as connecting with new moms who have kids the same age now because, even though we’ve experienced motherhood before, dealing with fourth-grade children 20 years ago is very different from parenting fourth-grade children today.
Maria Slavin (00:30:16): Yes. Absolutely.
Frances Shefter (00:30:17): know, COVID, internet, all that other stuff. So, it’s just, that connection.
Maria Slavin (00:30:24): Absolutely. Just hearing someone say, “Yeah, I don’t feel bad. I gave cereal for dinner twice this week too,” is a relief for moms who tend to be hard on themselves and think they should prepare a full gourmet meal every time. And it’s reassuring to know that many of us are in the same boat.
Frances Shefter (00:30:39):It’s quite funny when you mention that my husband takes charge of dinner most of the time because of his early mornings. Sometimes I catch myself getting frustrated when he serves fish sticks, frozen vegetables, and french fries. But I realize I need to cut him some slack. After all, it’s not McDonald’s, and there’s some nutrition in those veggies.
Maria Slavin (00:30:59): You just buy your frozen stuff from Whole Foods or Trader Joes and then you feel better. Right?
Frances Shefter (00:31:04): Precisely, it’s not like the old days when my mom would prepare homemade meals every single night. She didn’t work full-time, and things were different. Sometimes I think back to those times and imagine that I could do the same if I were home all day.
Maria Slavin (00:31:23): Absolutely, we can’t do it all. And, you know, we’re joking about giving our kids frozen food, but in reality, we all do it from time to time. Nutrition is another ongoing challenge, and we’ll have phases where we do better than others. It’s just part of the process, and we have to keep working on it. Career women are incredibly busy, and it’s a tough balancing act.
Frances Shefter (00:31:48): Our tribe.
Maria Slavin (00:31:51): Absolutely, it’s so comforting to hear someone else say, “Hey, I get it, you’re in your head and being hard on yourself.” When they share their own parenting mishaps, it’s incredibly helpful. And sometimes, when you’re socializing with friends, it’s nice to have conversations that don’t revolve around our kids.
Frances Shefter (00:32:08): Yes, it can be challenging to get together with friends and intentionally avoid discussing our kids. But, as you mentioned, we also need to work on our own social skills and engage in adult conversations that aren’t solely centered around our children.
Maria Slavin (00:32:22): Oh, just that I really want to emphasize the importance of something. When is the last time you saw your friends? I posed this question one week, and it’s something that many moms, whether they have kids and are working or not, tend to overlook. They often prioritize their children over themselves, possibly even if they have many friends. It hasn’t crossed their minds that it’s okay to go out on a Saturday, for instance. This is especially relevant for those who might feel isolated. I’m trying to draw their attention to the fact that moms need friendship and human connection just as much as anyone else.
Think about it: the social skills we teach our kids are intended to help them develop quality relationships, right? It all comes down to human connection and deriving fulfillment from it. As humans, we all require these connections, and moms should remember that.
Frances Shefter (00:33:19): Right, and it’s like there’s just so much to handle. As moms, we often find ourselves doing everything, whether we’re career moms, working moms, or even stay-at-home moms. Career moms might have it a bit easier sometimes, as they have connections with people at work. On the other hand, stay-at-home moms can experience a sense of isolation, which is significant. But it’s okay. I remember seeing a meme where people were posting about all the things they baked, made for the PTA, or crafted for various activities. I’m just proud of keeping my kids alive today.
Maria Slavin (00:34:02): That’s okay. Right, absolutely. There’s no right or wrong. We simply want to be the best versions of ourselves for both our sake and our kids’. It’s so easy to forget this when we’re all caught up in our hectic lives. Is it easy to incorporate this into our lives? No, it’s not. But what’s the alternative? Should we just say, ‘It’s too hard,’ and not acknowledge our own emotions, leading to shutdown or lashing out, affecting our homes? I think it’s essential to keep working on it, even if it’s just a little bit at a time.
Frances Shefter (00:34:45): That’s perfectly fine. Absolutely, there’s no right or wrong here. What we truly aim for is to be the best versions of ourselves, both for our own well-being and for the sake of our children. It’s remarkably easy to lose sight of this amidst our hectic lives. Can we easily integrate these practices into our lives? The answer is no, it’s not easy. But what’s the alternative? Do we simply throw our hands up and say, ‘It’s too challenging’? Neglecting our own emotions and resorting to shutdowns or outbursts, which inevitably impact our homes? I believe it’s crucial to persist in this journey, even if it means taking small steps.
Maria Slavin (00:34:54): Right. Right. And we talk about those things too. What are your current coping mechanisms? And again, there’s no blame and there are moms who say I’m probably drinking too much wine. And talk about what can you do to start to change a little bit? You know, how do we change habits? We start with routines. So the science behind that too and then accountability. So one mom would say, ok, I want to eat smaller portions this week and I’ll check in and I’ll say, ok, now you check in with me like every other day and tell me how it’s going and sometimes that little piece of accountability for them, helps them stay on track and somebody else, they might wanna walk somebody else, they might wanna do a meditation but whatever it is, if we can start to substitute our less healthy coping mechanisms for some better ones, you know, it’s not just regulating in the moment. It’s what can we do daily or every other day to kind of just, like, chill things out. Keep us regulated on a regular basis.
Frances Shefter (00:35:59): Exactly. So, what can we do to manage it? Yes, precisely. When you experience that intense anxiety, how can you release it? For instance, when I was in law school, I had a routine of walking to all my exams because the school was about a mile and a half away. It was my way of calming myself down before walking into an exam. So, what can we do? Sometimes, it can be as straightforward as taking the stairs or going for a walk around the block, you know?”
Maria Slavin (00:36:29): Exactly. You can sit in the car and listen to a song that puts you in a good mood before going inside the house. Whether you’ve had a stressful day at work or other reasons, there are various ways to address it. It’s all about recognizing that these actions are worthwhile, important, and that even small changes can have a significant impact on your relationships over time.
Frances Shefter (00:36:52): Exactly. You can sit in the car and listen to a song that puts you in a good mood before going inside the house. Whether you’ve had a stressful day at work or other reasons, there are various ways to address it. It’s all about recognizing that these actions are worthwhile, important, and that even small changes can have a significant impact on your relationships over time.
Maria Slavin (00:37:14): So within Insync and Social, the private practice I’ve operated since 2014, we offer regular occupational therapy services. These services can be conducted virtually or in my office, which is located in Media, PA. If someone is in close proximity and prefers in-person individual occupational therapy, we can assist with sensory processing, fine motor skills, emotional regulation, or social coaching. In addition to individual services, we offer social skills groups within the office. The coaching for moms is provided online. While I’ve been running the private practice for a while, the online coaching is a relatively newer addition.
Frances Shefter (00:38:05): So I’m hearing your office is in Pennsylvania but because the mom’s thing is online, it doesn’t matter where people are, right? They are nationwide.
Maria Slavin (00:38:16): Yeah.
Frances Shefter (00:38:17): No, because I’m starting to branch out. As attorneys, we can offer legal services only in states where we’re licensed, such as Maryland, DC, New Jersey, and Florida at the moment. However, we can act as advocates and offer advocacy services anywhere.
Maria Slavin (00:38:33): So, I’m taking my expertise in neurodiversity and combining it with my life coach certification. This allows me to offer coaching services online to anyone worldwide, provided they can accommodate the time zone difference. We have two sessions each week: one around lunchtime, which generally works for those in Eastern Standard Time, and another in the evening on Thursdays. You can choose the one that suits your schedule. Additionally, there’s an online community that offers continuous support throughout the week. You can participate in the coaching sessions as much or as little as you prefer.
Frances Shefter (00:39:33): That’s awesome. I love that because, as we’ve discussed, it’s a part of the reason behind the show – we just didn’t know there were mom coaches who focus on these aspects. It’s fantastic to hear your passion and the science behind it. So it’s not just a label, unlike many who call themselves life coaches nowadays. Can you tell us more about the training and qualifications in your field?
Maria Slavin (00:40:02): Right, you can obtain a coaching certification in just a few months, and not all coaches have clinical backgrounds. It’s essential to be cautious and ensure that the coach possesses the required expertise and knowledge. As for the child aspect, I’ve been working with kids for a long time, and I’m very experienced in that area. It’s incredibly exciting for me to delve into the world of mothers, their emotions, regulation, and not just parenting but all aspects of their relationships. I also provide guidance tailored to the specific needs of their neurodivergent child. Sometimes, if a mom opts for an additional one-on-one session outside the group, her child may join in. Occasionally, these kids are quite rigid in their thinking, even if they haven’t received a diagnosis yet. They may be labeled as stubborn or uncooperative. But I’ve always had a natural ability to connect with kids of all ages and stages, regardless of labels. It’s why I chose a career in pediatrics, and I’m grateful for this talent. Through coaching, I can provide a level of support that’s almost like having an occupational therapy consult. Since starting this program, I’ve been constantly thinking about how to explain it. On the website, it says, ‘Where expertise in neurodiversity meets having coffee with your friends.’ But recently, I’ve described it as being a life coach for moms in a support group with an OT consultation for their kids built in every week.
Frances Shefter (00:42:14): Awesome, and that’s exactly what I was expressing at the beginning. I enjoy discovering people with different approaches because, you know, every occupational therapist (OT) and every coach has their unique style. It’s not about one being better than the other; it’s about finding what suits you best and works for your needs. I’m truly excited about this program, and I’m eager to make it available to moms because we all need that support. So, how can people reach out to you?
Maria Slavin (00:42:48): So, the best way to reach out is through the website, which is insyncandsocial.com, with no hyphen. I know that typically in your podcasts, you provide links to the episodes, so you can find the details about Exceptional Moms and other services offered by InSync and Social there. I’ve recently revamped the website, giving prominence to the Exceptional Moms program, offering extensive information about what the program includes. You can either contact me or register directly through the website if you’re ready to get started. If you have any questions or wish to schedule a call, you can reach me using the contact form on the website.
Frances Shefter (00:43:30): Oh, that’s awesome. Thank you so much. I’ve learned so much. This has been so awesome. I love it because it’s like sitting and having coffee with a friend. You know?
Maria Slavin (00:43:38): I know I love talking about this stuff as well. I mean, I am legitimately obsessed with social emotional learning for all people. So it’s, it’s a pleasure to have the conversation. I appreciate you having me on.
Frances Shefter (00:43:56): Of course. Thank you.
Maria Slavin (00:43:58): OK, thank you.
VOICEOVER (00:43:59): You’ve been listening to Stress-Free IEP® with your host, Frances Shefter. Remember you do not need to do it all alone. You can reach Frances through Shefterlaw.com where prior episodes are also posted. Thank you for your positive reviews, comments and sharing the show with others through YouTube, LinkedIn Apple podcast, Spotify, Google Podcast, Stitcher and more.
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