Inclusion Coaching, Regulation, and Building a Village
A Stress-Free IEP Conversation with Janelle McCarthy, LPC, RPT
In this episode of Stress-Free IEP, Frances Shefter sits down with Janelle McCarthy, licensed professional counselor, registered play therapist, former public school teacher, and self-described neuroscience geek, for a deep, practical conversation about neurodiversity, regulation, and what real inclusion actually looks like in everyday life.
This wasn’t a surface-level discussion. It was honest, nuanced, and grounded in real experiences from families, schools, and communities.
What Is Inclusion Coaching—and Why It Matters
Janelle introduces a concept many families haven’t heard before: inclusion coaching.
In short, inclusion coaching expands support beyond the child and caregiver and into the environments where children actually live their lives—schools, extracurriculars, religious programs, sports teams, and community groups.
She explains how her work evolved:
- She started as a public school teacher.
- Then became a therapist working directly with children.
- And eventually realized that lasting change depends on the adults and systems around the child, not just the child themselves.
Many families she works with feel isolated and fearful—worried their child will be excluded, punished, or misunderstood because adults respond to behaviors without understanding why they’re happening. Inclusion coaching flips that script.
Instead of asking, “How do we stop this behavior?” the question becomes:
“What is this child communicating, and how do we meet everyone’s needs in a sustainable, respectful way?”
Behavior Is Communication—But That’s Not the Finish Line
Frances and Janelle both emphasize a core truth:
Behavior is communication.
Kids aren’t “acting out” for no reason. There is always something happening beneath the surface—stress, fear, sensory overload, unmet needs, or lack of felt safety.
But Janelle is clear and unapologetic:
Understanding behavior is the starting point, not the excuse.
Neurodiversity-affirming does not mean permissive. Some behaviors are not okay—but punishment without understanding doesn’t teach skills, build regulation, or create safety.
The real work is:
- Understanding what’s happening in the nervous system
- Maintaining boundaries
- Teaching skills slowly, intentionally, and sustainably
PDA, Regulation, and the Myth of “They Can’t Help It”
A major portion of the conversation focuses on Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) profiles.
Janelle addresses a common fear parents express:
“If my child can’t control this now, what happens in the real world?”
Her response is blunt and compassionate:
- PDA nervous systems are highly sensitive.
- That vulnerability is real.
- But telling a child “this is just how you are” is deeply disempowering.
Instead, the goal is to:
- Build pockets of agency
- Slow the nervous system
- Develop regulation capacity over time
- Scaffold skills based on the child’s actual stage—not where adults think they “should” be
She repeatedly comes back to one word:
Sustainability
Unsustainable parenting strategies burn out caregivers, siblings, and eventually the child.
Trauma-Informed Isn’t Optional—It’s Reality
Frances raises an important point: many neurodivergent kids have experienced trauma—not intentional abuse, but repeated nervous-system injury from being misunderstood, punished, or publicly shamed.
Janelle explains how trauma shows up as:
- Hypervigilance
- Reactivity
- Misinterpretation of neutral situations as dangerous
Even when adults “do everything right,” change won’t stick without:
- Repair
- Relationship
- Pacing
- Acknowledgment of past harm
Trust isn’t cognitive. It’s felt.
Relationship Over Techniques—Every Time
One of the strongest themes of the episode is this:
Techniques don’t create safety—relationships do.
IEPs, behavior plans, and strategies matter. But without trust, they fail.
Janelle explains how taking accountability, allowing kids to say no, repairing mistakes, and showing consistency builds felt safety, not just compliance.
This applies everywhere:
- Classrooms
- Therapy
- Homes
- Extracurriculars
And it’s especially critical for PDA profiles.
Play Therapy: Why Play Builds Real Skills
Janelle offers a clear explanation of why play therapy works so well for regulation and emotional growth.
Quoting Gary Landreth:
“Toys are their words, and play is their language.”
Through play, children practice:
- Frustration tolerance
- Turn-taking
- Uncertainty
- Emotional expression
- Problem-solving
A simple board game can teach:
- Waiting
- Losing
- Flexibility
- Coping with disappointment
These are foundational life skills—but they’re learned experientially, not through lectures.
Modeling Mistakes, Repair, and Real Life
Frances shares candid parenting examples—admitting mistakes, renegotiating consequences, and staying calm during dysregulation.
Janelle highlights why this matters:
- Kids often feel like the “identified problem”
- Adults modeling frustration, repair, and regulation destigmatizes struggle
- It reinforces that everyone has needs—not just the child
Understanding doesn’t erase accountability. It contextualizes it.
Consequences Without Shame
Both agree:
- Consequences are part of life
- Punishment without explanation teaches nothing
When consequences are framed as:
- Cause and effect
- Impact on others
- Opportunities to repair
They become learning moments—not sources of shame.
The “Real World” Argument—and Why It’s Flawed
A powerful moment comes when Frances dismantles a common school argument:
“They have to learn to deal with people they don’t like.”
Her response is simple:
- Adults quit jobs.
- Adults change environments.
- Learning requires access.
Teaching kids to tolerate distress without regulation doesn’t prepare them for adulthood—it sets them up for burnout.
Skills come later, after regulation and self-knowledge.
Teaching Neurodiversity to All Kids—Not Just Neurodivergent Ones
Another standout theme: education should not only target neurodivergent kids.
Janelle explains neurodiversity as:
Human traits in different ratios
Hand-flapping becomes leg-jiggling.
Monotropism becomes flow state.
Stimming becomes self-regulation.
When kids understand this, differences stop being scary—and start being normal.
Talking to Kids About Their Neurotype—The Right Way
Janelle outlines a thoughtful, staged approach:
- Talk about brains generally
- Observe strengths and challenges in others
- Normalize differences
- Build self-knowledge
- Introduce diagnostic language last—as vocabulary, not identity
This prevents shame, misinformation, and comparison.
Final Takeaways for Parents
Janelle leaves parents with three clear priorities:
- Find Your Community
Isolation fuels burnout. Connection regulates nervous systems—adult ones included.
- Get Curious Before You React
Ask “why” before “what do we do about it?”
- Track Patterns, Not Just Incidents
Baseline data helps set realistic expectations and reveals opportunities for change.
The Big Picture
This episode wasn’t about quick fixes.
It was about:
- Slowing down
- Building trust
- Honoring individuality
- Creating systems that work for real families
- And remembering that no one is meant to do this alone
That’s the heart of Stress-Free IEP—and the heart of true inclusion.
