Behavior Is Communication: Why Punishment Isn’t the Answer 

By:  Frances Shefter, Esq. 

The words “consequence” and “punishment” are often used interchangeably.  However, they are very different. Understanding the difference is especially important when we talk about our children, behavior, and schools. The way adults respond to behavior can either help a child learn and grow, or create fear, frustration, and long-term harm. 

Punishment is meant to make someone feel bad for what they did. It often comes from anger or a desire to stop a behavior quickly. Punishment can include yelling, suspensions, removals from class, taking away unrelated privileges, or isolating a child without teaching anything new. The focus is on control. The message sent is, “You did something wrong, and now you must pay for it.” While punishment might stop behavior in the moment, it rarely teaches a child what they should do instead. 

A consequence, on the other hand, is meant to teach. A true consequence is connected to the behavior and helps a child understand cause and effect. The goal is learning and safety, not shame or fear. For example, if a child misuses classroom materials, a consequence might be losing access to those materials for a short time while being taught how to use them appropriately. The message becomes, “Your behavior had an impact, and here is how we fix it.” 

I say it all of the time, behavior is communication. Children act out because a need is not being met, something is wrong or because they do not yet have the skills to handle a situation. A child might be overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated, or unable to express their needs with words. When adults focus only on stopping behavior, they miss the message behind it. When adults listen to behavior, they can teach better skills to replace it. 

This is even more important for our children with disabilities. Sometimes a child’s behavior is a manifestation of their disability, meaning it is directly connected to how their brain works. That does not mean the behavior should be ignored, and it does not mean the child should be punished. Even when behavior is related to a disability, it still must be addressed if it affects safety or learning. Ignoring unsafe behavior does not protect the child. It puts them and others at risk. 

Correcting behavior does not mean blaming the child. It means teaching safer and more appropriate ways to meet their needs. This may include positive behavior supports, sensory tools, visual schedules, breaks, social skills instruction, or changes to the environment. Consequences should guide the child toward safer behavior while respecting their disability and providing support. 

Unfortunately, many schools have confused avoiding punishment with avoiding responsibility. In some cases, schools either punish children harshly through suspensions and exclusions, or they do nothing at all. Both approaches are harmful. When schools rely on punishment, students with disabilities are often disciplined for behaviors they were never taught how to manage. When schools provide no consequences or behavior instruction, students do not learn boundaries or expectations. 

This lack of proper behavior support has real-world effects. Schools are supposed to help students learn how to function in the community. In the real world, unsafe or disruptive behavior has serious consequences. A child who is never taught appropriate behavior at school may struggle later with employment, relationships, and independence. Ignoring behavior problems does not help children grow. It delays learning skills they will need for life. 

Families often come to Shefter Law when their child is being punished instead of supported. This can look like repeated suspensions, removals from school, restraints, seclusion, or being labeled as a “problem student” without proper evaluation or services. This is not okay.  Schools are required to follow special education laws, especially when behavior is related to a disability. Children are entitled to appropriate supports, behavior plans, and protections, not just discipline. 

Shefter Law helps families understand their rights and holds schools accountable. We help determine the cause of the behavior and whether proper behavior supports are in place. We ensure that Functional Behavior Assessments (FBA) and Behavior Intervention Plans (BIP) appropriately address the behaviors and are teaching focused, not just focused on changing the behavior.  We advocate for services that teach skills, protect safety, and allow children to access their education. 

If your child is being punished at school and it does not feel right, you do not have to handle it alone. If your child’s behavior is being ignored instead of supported, that is also a problem. Early advocacy can make a huge difference in your child’s future. 

If you are concerned about how your school is handling your child’s behavior, reach out to Shefter Law. We are here to help families navigate these challenges and ensure children receive the support they need to learn, grow, and succeed in school and in the community.

Listen to our recent episode about Play Therapy and Inclusion Coaching with Janelle McCarthy where we talked about this in more length.