Stress-Free IEP™:Frances Shefter is an Education Attorney and Advocate who is committed to helping her clients have a Stress-Free IEP experience. In each podcast, Frances interviews inspiring people to share information, educate you, empower you and help you get the knowledge you need.
In this episode of Stress-Free IEP™: Frances speaks with attorney & mediator Erik M Feig. As a parent in a neurodiverse family, Erik has a particular commitment to working with neurodiverse families. He brings a practical, real-world approach to help parents engage each other more constructively when making decisions impacting their neurodiverse children.
FRANCES SHEFTER(⏱ 00:00:9): Hello everybody Welcome to Stress-Free IEP™. I am Frances Shefter with Shefter Law P. A. I am the host of the show and I am so excited to have Erik Feig with Feig Mediation on today, which all of you are probably saying mediation. What does that have to do with IEPs? Why is he going to be helpful for us? So Erik to start off, please tell us what do you do and how can you assist families with neuro-diverse children?
ERIK FEIG(⏱ 00:00:41): Hi Frances, thank you for having me.Um what do I do? I’m a mediator for parents and for families and what this means is that I help the people work through their differences when important decisions are on the line. I happen to be an attorney by background but as a mediator my role is different. I’m not acting as an advocate, I’m not acting as an advisor, a therapist. My role is really to help people work through issues that might be difficult for them to discuss. Maybe too much for them to break down or where they may disagree so that they can hopefully create ways to say yes to each other when they might otherwise get stuck on. No. Then I’ll say as a parent of three neuro diverse Children, I have a special focus on working with parents and families like mine, that’s why I created this practice. It’s where the added complexity of additional medical educational support decisions, school issues, sharing the load all of that or even separation and divorce can be complicating factors in the mix,
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:01:51): Right? So there doesn’t have to be a case or anything. It’s just you’re having a hard time communicating. Your husband’s frustrating you, your wife is frustrating you, you’re totally opposite ends of the spectrum on what you should do medically or school related with an IEP. That’s when people should call you and you can help sort it all out.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:02:9): Look, if you’ve ever had to deal with the stress of having unresolved issues, even small ones when you’re not on the same page can grow into big issues and they can affect everything in the family. The related point on that is how you come together or how you disagree can matter sometimes as much as what you’re disagreeing about. So I what I do is I’m there to help people when they get stuck to help them get unstuck and awesome. Where is that?
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:02:43): So I know you’ve been doing this for a little bit. What’s the biggest communication issue you see with parents?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:02:49)That’s a great question and it’s a hard question to answer because you know, every family, every dynamic is different. But maybe let’s take a couple of examples, you know, the first one, which I talk about all the time that can make communication difficult is when we’re giving presentations to each other instead of having conversations when there is an important issue to address, I do this myself. Look if we have something important to talk about, let’s say it’s myself and my wife, I am thinking about that. Well in advance, I’m planning out how the conversation is going to go. I’m anticipating reactions. I’m thinking about what she might say to me. And I’m lining up all of my arguments about why what I’m proposing to do or what I’m thinking is the right way to go. She’s probably doing the same thing. So by the time we actually get to speak to each other, we’ve had this conversation in our minds five times, 10 times, 25 times. It’s hard, it’s hard to be present. It’s hard to be listening to each other instead of trying to make our case about who’s going to win in those moments. That’s a big one. I find,
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:03:58): you know, it’s interesting that you say that I was before in law school when I was in my teaching stage of my life. Um I actually got selected for jury duty. And um, we went back for deliberations, I made the mistake of saying, okay, so who wants to be forman? And everybody said you. And we got to the point that half the room was saying negligent, half the room was saying, not negligent. And there was a battle. And finally after a break, I came in and I said, you know what? I keep hearing the words, we’re right, you’re wrong, we’re right, you’re wrong, That’s not where we are, that’s not what we need to be, we need to find that middle ground. And as soon as I said that, and we all sat down and looked at all of the facts. Again, we wind up all agreeing on one way, which was so nice to get out of that. I’m right and I have to be right.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:04:45): I I think that’s such an important point Frances and it’s one that happens all the time. It’s hard when we’re doing it for ourselves, right? And I think that’s part of the difficulty is we’re thinking and this is natural. It’s an oar, right my way, or your way. It’s not that we disagree and have different points of view, that’s the issue. It’s that it’s that challenge of being able to build a connection, build a bridge between that disagreement to say, OK, what you’re proposing or what you’re thinking. That has merit. So it is what I’m thinking now, can we look at this together and instead of saying it’s my way or your way? Look at it a little differently. Step back and be able to say, okay, how do we make this an end and get the most for most out of for both of us what we’re trying to accomplish. It can change the whole dynamic of the conversation.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:05:44): I can see that it’s gonna be amazing. Um and how does family dynamics play into everything, you know, that there’s more than one child, all of that, you know, is there, is there an area for a whole family communication that might come into play.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:05:59): We all bring our family dynamics with us. We bring our mileage, our history, we’re all carrying baggage, whatever form that might take. So that’s going to play into our communication styles. The way we engage with other each other or even don’t engage, think of people who might be more conflict averse again, let’s not talk about that, that’s hard, right? Or where let’s just keep doing it the way we’ve always done it, done things And find that the way we’ve always done things makes one Family member, Let’s say one spouse might feel like they’re they’re carrying more than their fair share of the load all of that could play. And then I think when you’re talking about neurodiversity, that adds, again, it adds another layer of complexity to the mix, because if you’re thinking in terms of processing the way we’re able to experience the world, the way we hear things all of that can play into the family dynamic, it can play into whether we’re connecting with each other. You know, you and I are having a conversation right now, what you’re hearing, maybe not may not be what I think I’m saying to you, you may be hearing it differently. So how do we how do we connect that? I think that’s all of it, that’s all part of it.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:07:17): When I practiced family law in Florida before moving back up here. It was always, there’s three sides to every story, you know his hers and the truth somewhere in between and this is a little different, his hers and you know what? It’s finding that middle ground of what we meant because I know I know with my husband often he’ll say something, I’ll say something else and I’m like, but that’s not what I said, you know, and it’s just he hears it differently because of his family dynamics and his upbringing. And it can be so challenging
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:07:49): That’s it. being able, being able to check in with each other, being able to slow down, but we always keep a lot of plates spinning at the same time. So to be able to slow down and have those conversations in a way where we’re not just reacting to each other think of, you know, how many times I mean, why don’t you understand me? Right? Why aren’t you getting this? I thought I’m being I’m being clear, I don’t want to I don’t want to have to say it again. Well if you’re saying the same thing over and over and the person you’re speaking with isn’t hearing you right there hearing the words, but they’re not hearing the message. That’s a sign that you’re missing each other and then maybe you’re communicating in a way that isn’t effective, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong, it means that it’s just not working. So it’s how do you change that up and I love right and I love how you say that it’s not one is right and one is wrong. Our brains work differently and however we communicate and interact and even, you know, male, female, female, female male, all of us because we bring our past into it and work differently and we think differently. That’s exactly, that’s exactly it. We can both be right from our points of view and very often we are, look, look going back to, you know, as, as an attorney, as a negotiator for a long time. You know, I used to teach people, you know, the person sitting across the table from you isn’t necessarily wrong, but they have a different perspective. So the question is, is what do you do with that? Right? It’s either your, it’s win lose, right? I’m going to win. You’re going to lose, you’re going to win, I’m going to lose or maybe there’s a chance to change that up and say, let’s, let’s see how maybe we both can create something better.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:9:33): Right, That’s awesome. Do you have like, are there like a top five or top three pointers for families of how they can help communicate better?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:9:47): There there’s, there’s some tips actually, I just did a video on this recently that is up on my youtube channel, but here’s, here’s a couple to think about, one is slow down that that’s, that’s probably one of the most important everything is moving quickly. We’re busy. We’re handling logistics, We’re handling our own stuff. Yes. As parents, our stuff is in the mix too. But there’s lots of ways that we can, you know, that, that we can be stressed out during the day and then having conversations that are important or that really require us to be present. That can be hard if you’re doing it while you’re multitasking while it’s thrown in at the end of doing something else or it’s the quick phone call from the car for instance, that’s not serving us and I believe being able to slow down and then create that time when we could focus, Okay, we have something important to talk about. Maybe it’s a school decision, right? Maybe it’s something in the home, Maybe it’s something related to parenting. Maybe it’s something as a financial or whatever it is, would be a financial decision. Whatever the issue is, set aside some time doesn’t have to be a lot. It has to be enough and use that time to focus. And then what I would say is the tip that goes along with that is have some structure, have a look and that will look different for
everybody. But take the time to plan out what are we going to talk about? Are we planning to talk about and have the same conversation with each other. If you and I are talking and your agenda for that conversation is entirely different than mine would be nice to know. Right,
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:11:21): That makes sense. Right. Wait I thought we were talking about “X”. And you’re talking about “Y” how did that happen?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:11:28): Exactly. Exactly. And then what goes along with it is what are we trying to accomplish? Right. Each one of these are opportunities for us to ask each other questions right? And to be able to check in with each other and that’s really the other piece that comes along is checking in with each other. I’m saying this, are you hearing that or the other way? When you said that. Active listening is sometimes what it’s called reflective listening. When you said that this is what I heard, is that right? Is that what you meant? Yes or no? You have an opportunity to say yes or no if it’s no then I can ask the question, what did I miss? Can you help me? Right and then and then ask you when all that is there more. Is there more that you want to make sure that I’m hearing from you? That being able to slow down and do that in a meaning in a mindful way can change the meaning. It can change the whole intention of a conversation.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:12:28): It’s so yeah I mean I’m I’m now thinking about it and applying all of this to an IEP meeting. You know as um you know one thing parents but then when you’re at the table with all the professionals um as a parent sometimes it’s overwhelming and you know, but I know there’s been times with at I. E. P. Meetings where I need to remind somebody because the school will say something about what we disagree and like and I understand that and we disagree. But let’s look at the child and the data and what it says and then see where we are on getting the child the services the child needs. It’s amazing how that changes things.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:13:14): Yeah. And being able to instead of reacting, I would say because that’s that’s the first impulses we hear and know and we react to the No. Right? And we’re responding to that. Being able to slow it down and ask the questions to say what’s sitting under that. No. What got you there, What’s important to you? You might find that the no is only the tip of the discussion and that there’s a lot of room for agreement behind that. But if you can’t get past focusing on what you’re on the no the surface, it’s much more difficult. But then you’re back to that win loose. Am I going to change your mind or not? Are you going to change my mind or not? Mhm.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:13:51): Right. And you know, I did one of my videos on basically don’t take no, I called it was the shift away because that was my father’s thing.You know, if the person you’re talking to says no, take it up the ladder, you know when it comes to professional, I do the same thing with schools. Okay. Well you’re saying? No, but either what does the rest of the team think or is there somebody above you that can make this different um you can make a different decision for us?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:14:15): Sure. I think these are all great strategies. And in my space let’s say I’m working with parents. The question is a no if let’s say you have a yes and a no right? Let’s say for instance, it’s a question about a treatment, a medication some supports that might be needed for School. You have one yes, you haven’t won. No. That’s an opportunity to explore with each other and that can be very difficult to do. I find without some help
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:14:40):. Yeah. You know, I’m thinking my husband and I when we get in our see, you know like whichever it is, we’re in our positions, we both think we’re right and it’s hard to be able to see the gray sometimes because it’s like, okay, you know, they say you have one parent says yes to an IEP. One parent says no. Well how do you you can’t have a half of an IEP um you know, so how do you meet that? So that’s where you come in, right?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:15:15): Being able to get it all on the table right daylight being the dis best disinfectant, right? You’re able to talk about it, but it’s once you get the big picture, what are you looking at? What am I looking at now? Let’s both step back and look at it together. That can be very difficult to do, right? And it takes it takes a certain amount of time and it goes back to that point of speed. We want to do it quick. We’ve already we don’t have time. This is urgent. It is hard to slow down and to do that. And when you’re doing it and I’d say more, I’m talking focusing on the speed. It’s when you’re going quickly you’re not bringing your a game. Most people are not. So it gives you it gives you the chance for things to actually it can engage your creativity, your problem solving. Sometimes I call what I do. I call a tactical problem solving. It’s applied problem solving. It’s a structure that lends itself to being able to do that.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:16:24):So I’m thinking it’s um how I always say like in my videos, I say don’t wait to bring an education attorney until there’s an issue because then it’s more difficult and I’m thinking that’s the same thing with you is when you’re in a stressful time, don’t discuss it without you know kind of like, “Call Erik, he’ll work it out for you.”
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:16:35): You know what happened? What I tell people is the best time to talk is before you know to talk with me or someone like me and probably you have the same, the same conversation, the best time to talk to us is before you need to talk to us right? It’s preventive and I love that you describe it that way prevention you know how to avoid the conflict by getting in front of it. I think that can be and that can be an enormous tool to help reduce stress
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:17:9): right? And so do you if people um are having an issue or not having an issue just you know husband, wife whatever um can you help them put tools in place so that when there is an issue they know how to communicate better without having to come to you for every single issue. The mayor which has.I think the process itself lends lends a foundation for doing that. It creates that foundation because you’re problem solving together. Yes it’s supported. Yes it’s with help yes it’s with structure but there are tools that you could bring home right? But you’re not going to come to someone like me or come to me for every issue. But as you do it and you build the confidence and the experience of working together that accrues right, the more practice you have working on things together instead of doing it in an adversarial way. Hopefully that helps to shift the process helps shift the baseline right to one where you’re doing it and you’re applying it in your own life,
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:18:07): right And then the fact that you have neuro diverse Children. You get you have that perspective. It’s I know that often for me as a special ed attorney. The fact that I have a child with an IEP. And the teaching experience is huge because it’s a very different mindset when you’re a parent of a child with a neuro diverse child to teach you know? And so how does that differ when you know how do you think that adds to what you teach families?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:18:36): Look it’s again it it comes into the mix. The neuro diversity is why I created my practice in the first place. We have so many amazing supports for our kids. We have so many terrific supports in that same line between parents and Children. There’s far fewer that are available I think at the parent parent level. To help keep us as parents in step with each other and by extension to help keep the family on track and make it less stressful. Look if the parents are having these disagreements that then don’t get resolved. That can filter down to the whole family in lots and lots of ways. And especially when you’re dealing with all of this added complexity of neuro diversity and what that takes to support. It can get complicated very quickly and it can get charged and personal very quickly when you disagree. So having more supports that can take the stress level down. I think it’s a good thing
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:19:31): and the parents learning the communication skills through modeling there teaching their Children
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:19:49)absolutely. Look, look teaching them again, healthy ways to disagree, healthy ways to things out, That’s all for the good, that’s all good.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:19:58): And which is even important for our neuro diverse Children that might be struggling with their social skills.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:19:58): Absolutely. And I think that’s such an important point Francis, because when you have Children who might be rigid thinkers, inflexibility where those types of issues are in the mix when there’s reactivity, social emotional challenges, behavioral challenges, being able not only to model, but then to be able to practice with them all of those skills and show them how it works, right? All of that can be helpful to them and can open their eyes over time. You know, it’s not an instant solution. These are all works in progress, where works in progress, these are all skills to be practiced and the more that we’re able to bring that into the home, I think that will again, that can that can bring the tone down and hopefully lead things to being on a better path,
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:20:54):And that all the emotional charge and the passion when we get upset with each other, the way of putting it.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:21:04): Passion is passion is a good thing when we get upset, but it’s it’s what you do with it. You know, we care, we’re invested. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s how it’s expressed, right? And then once you’re feeling that way, how are you going to direct it? What are you going to direct it into something productive or something that’s not going to serve you well. Those are the choices along the way.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:21:29): Right. That makes sense. Do you also um like we’re talking a lot about parents and how parents can communicate with each other. Do you bring whole families in and work with, you know, the whole family and figuring out ways to communicate.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:21:41):My focus is really on the parents when it comes to these types of issues because I I view it again as we have other resources that are available for the whole family. We have other resources that are available for the Children. My piece so to speak and where I’m really focusing is the parent parent aspect and being able to provide that support there.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:22:11): That does make sense.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:22:13): Okay. It doesn’t rule out, you know, the larger Perspective but the work is generally between the two parents
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:22:19): and that totally makes sense because when you bring the family and it becomes now the child might be the center again, you know, and and as a parent, you know, sometimes we
need our own space and feel like it’s our own safe space and that it’s just ours, right?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:22:39): It’s a space where they can have these conversations, it’s a space where they could step back and and deal withm these issues with each other. So what I’m doing is I’m facilitating that conversation. I’m facilitating that process, giving them that structure those bumpers if you will so that they can have those conversations in a way that’s more constructive,
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:23:9): And you’re not a therapist, right?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:23:9): No.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:23:12): I think that’s important because I know you know when talking to other friends and stuff when you know, communication issues with our husbands or whatever they’re like, yeah, my husband won’t go to therapy. That’s okay. It’s not therapy. Let’s go to this great guy that teaches you how to talk.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:23:17): You come to me with issues, you come to me with this and whether it’s a disagreement but these are issues to be addressed. It’s narrow. The focus is narrower um where you’re going to focus with me where a therapist might focus more on the why questions I’m focusing first on the what questions in terms of what are we talking about and then how do we get there? We being. How do you have the conversation that’s going to help you reach the goals the objectives and address the concerns, the interests of values and all the things that you want to bring into the mix and bring to the table. So it’s more that again, it’s narrower in scope. It’s also now we’re in time when the issues when you’re done and you’ve come to whatever your conclusion is on those decisions or those issues might be the process is over. You can come back in six months when you have another, let’s just say for a year but it’s an hour scoped process and it’s limited in time for those reasons. So I think there is there are some important differences. Can it be therapeutic? Sure. Absolutely. But it’s not therapy,
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:24:24): right? No, that’s great. That’s a good point. It’s like you’re literally coming once to work out the one issue. However, you know, just think of how and I’m just thinking back of like how many times there’s an issue and we fight about it for weeks, you know? Whereas, okay, let’s just call Erik come and see him and you’re done in a day or a couple of hours.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:24:45): Yeah, it’s it’s however long it takes and it’s voluntary. So there’s no arm twisting. No, I’m not. I’m not I’m not pushing a result one way or the other, it’s your discussion. If you’re coming to work with me, it’s your conversation, you’re the you’re the experts on your issues. What I’m there to do is help you to get it on the table and then to make those decisions about what you want to do with it and where you want to go.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:25:18): Right, that makes sense. And then how long are sessions do you? They only book an hour do they plan for 2-3 hours? How does that work?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:25:26): Usually a session is two hours at a time. What I find is less than that. And again, that’s not a hard and fast rule, but two hours is a good time to get things out to be able to get a rhythm going and to really roll up our sleeves and get work done more than that can be tiring. You know, two hours of focused time. That that that’s that’s a good chunk of time. And for some people that might be a little bit much. So that’s why I say there’s flexibility but the baseline We start with two hours but then I’m willing to work with whatever really is the most comfortable and going to be the most productive way of approaching the process.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:26:01): Right, That makes sense. And so do you offer like a free consultation to determine that? Like how do people get in touch with you? How do they find you, what’s your process of getting into that room with the spouse?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:26:18): Sure, we start with the free consultation, It’s about 20 minutes long. And really that’s an opportunity to talk about the process. Many people who come to me, they either don’t know much about mediation, they know they need help, right? But they don’t know much about what mediation is, what the process looks like. So it gives us a chance to talk about that to ask those initial questions to talk about what it might look like and then make that decision of if this feels right now, let’s start the process itself. So we go from there. But it begins with that and usually that’s it comes into me there as an email.I think I’m through my website which is we can give that information. It’s FeigMediationGroup.com. I have an email for that. Or a phone call. Any of these ways can initiate the process and then we figure out what’s going to be the best fit within how I do things.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:27:18): That makes sense. And then do you, do you suggest both parents call or just one for the consultation? How do you find that? It works best.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:27:19): That’s a great question. And it’s a great point. My recommendation is that we have that consultation with both parents. We can do it individually, having it with both parents and being able to have the questions to be asked together and then hear the answers together I think is very helpful. I think also another piece about my role is I’m neutral. I don’t take sides. I’m not advocating for one person over the other. And sometimes if you have one parent initiating the contact, you might have another parent saying, well, that sounds like that’s your person. And when you’re when tensions are high, : that can make things more complicated to deal with. So for me, I think the easiest is we have the conversation together and the work we’re doing in the room is together. So, so it gives a chance to hear each other whenever possible.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:28:22): Right? And you say in the room with well, now that hopefully things are opening up again, but in the covid world, are you still doing in person? Are you only doing zoom how or whichever they prefer?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:28:40): I’m still virtual. We may move to in person in the future general. So in the room I should have said in the virtual room I suppose. But yeah, it’s it’s by zoom and it works just as well.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:28:55): You think it works just fine.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:28:56): And one of the things I appreciate about doing it by zoom is it gives you the opportunity to do this process from where you’re comfortable, right? You’re not coming to a place that isn’t familiar, You’re doing it, it could be from your living room, it could be from, you know, a dining room table and by virtue of that again, it makes it hopefully a little easier to engage and when you take breaks because we do take breaks during the process. You know, being able to walk around in a place that’s familiar to you, you know, and go make a cup of coffee or a cup of tea for instance.I I think that just helps.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:29:33): That makes sense. I like that because it’s you know, kind of like you’re in an office, you’re learning your techniques here and then you take it home, How does it apply And sometimes it’s just different, it’s just a different thought process whereas you’re learning it in Your surroundings. It’s so much easier. Like this is where I learned it, this is where I do it, I can see that
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:29:54): and taking the commute out of it is helpful to If you think nothing is less than 20 minutes or a half hour. But by the time you drive somewhere you get set up, you transfer, you’re adding another hour to the mix taking that hour back. I think it makes scheduling easier. It could take some of the stress of that and the pressure again, we’re all busy. We: all have like we’re all managing the logistics for the family and for ourselves in
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:309:00 )an hour is a lot of time. Although there are times that I think of commuting as you know, my me time because I can listen to my podcast, I can listen to books. I can, you know, just talk on the phone with friends where you don’t always get to do. But I could definitely see it’s much easier to not have to travel places.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:30:33): Look when you’re trying to coordinate two calendars, Let’s say two spouses to partners that our for each person can make a big difference. It’s huge. You know, blocking out that time can be the difference between being able to do this and saying maybe next week Or maybe in two weeks while you’re still having the issue.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:31:07): Right? And that makes sense. Makes it so much easier. So you mentioned before you have a, youtube channel, is it live yet? Can people find it or it is live?
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:31:21): It is live. It is new. I’ll be adding to it regularly,But it’s under Feig Mediation Group. It’s searchable. So it can be found. I don’t know if we’re able to put a link up, butI have it on my, I have it on my website, so it can be found through there.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:31:33):Got it. Well, it’s, we have your Feig Mediation group is on the video, so at least there’s that, I’m not sure. I think maybe what it posts we can comment on and put a link. Um this is just my second show, so I’m still learning everything we can do. Um but that’s great. So then basically people Should just throw Feig mediation group into google and they should find you and find your Youtube channel and
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:31:55): yep you can find me there, you can find me on facebook, we have a page there as well where we’re posting our videos, were posting tips where I’m posting information that hopefully will be helpful again to people who, who can, who can use this type of, this type of information. This type of guidance,
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:32:24): right adding to our support system, families with nowhere diverse Children. We can never have too much support.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:32:33): We’re all doing the best we can. We’re all works in progress and the more that we can do to help support each other and help things stay on track. I think those are all good things Definitely agree.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:32:40):So thank you so much Erik, I loved having you on my show. I think that this is great. I learned a lot. Like it’s great. I’m like thinking huh? Maybe my husband and I need to come call you. You know because it’s it’s true. You know like we all have these issues no matter how well we’re trained, My husband jokes around and says he doesn’t bother to argue with me because I’m an attorney so he knows he’ll never win. Which is information for me if he feels that way. That’s not that’s not necessarily a good thing. And so maybe we need some pointers on how to communicate. So he feels he wins sometimes and
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:33:12): and that’s the difficulty sometimes. It’s just and it’s for all of us right? It’s being able to do this and we’re all doing our best. I do. But I do believe that and all the skills and all the rest the more that we’re able to engage with each other instead of at each other. You know, it leaves room for us to have better outcomes.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:33:40): Right? That is true. So thank you again and to my viewers. Thank you so much for watching us Stress-Free IEP™ Um As always if you love having Erik if you can think of other topics if you think hey wait have Erik back on something else or somebody else you would like to have on my show. Please feel free to comment. Um Shoot me : an email whatever. Let us know. Um, We are excited to get information and help support us, our families that need that we know need the support.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:34:21): Thanks so much for having me and thanks so much for having me. This is your you’re doing great work. This is really important.
Stress-Free IEP™ with Erik Feig of Feig Mediation Group LLC (Video Podcast)
Stress-Free IEP™:Frances Shefter is an Education Attorney and Advocate who is committed to helping her clients have a Stress-Free IEP experience. In each podcast, Frances interviews inspiring people to share information, educate you, empower you and help you get the knowledge you need.
In this episode of Stress-Free IEP™:
Frances speaks with attorney & mediator Erik M Feig. As a parent in a neurodiverse family, Erik has a particular commitment to working with neurodiverse families. He brings a practical, real-world approach to help parents engage each other more constructively when making decisions impacting their neurodiverse children.
Connect and learn more from Erik M. Feig:
Watch more episodes of Stress-Free IEP™:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCff0foIeCETrWbtsQSDwckQ
Connect and learn more from your host, Frances Shefter:
Read the full transcription of this episode:
FRANCES SHEFTER(⏱ 00:00:9): Hello everybody Welcome to Stress-Free IEP™. I am Frances Shefter with Shefter Law P. A. I am the host of the show and I am so excited to have Erik Feig with Feig Mediation on today, which all of you are probably saying mediation. What does that have to do with IEPs? Why is he going to be helpful for us? So Erik to start off, please tell us what do you do and how can you assist families with neuro-diverse children?
ERIK FEIG(⏱ 00:00:41): Hi Frances, thank you for having me.Um what do I do? I’m a mediator for parents and for families and what this means is that I help the people work through their differences when important decisions are on the line. I happen to be an attorney by background but as a mediator my role is different. I’m not acting as an advocate, I’m not acting as an advisor, a therapist. My role is really to help people work through issues that might be difficult for them to discuss. Maybe too much for them to break down or where they may disagree so that they can hopefully create ways to say yes to each other when they might otherwise get stuck on. No. Then I’ll say as a parent of three neuro diverse Children, I have a special focus on working with parents and families like mine, that’s why I created this practice. It’s where the added complexity of additional medical educational support decisions, school issues, sharing the load all of that or even separation and divorce can be complicating factors in the mix,
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:01:51): Right? So there doesn’t have to be a case or anything. It’s just you’re having a hard time communicating. Your husband’s frustrating you, your wife is frustrating you, you’re totally opposite ends of the spectrum on what you should do medically or school related with an IEP. That’s when people should call you and you can help sort it all out.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:02:9): Look, if you’ve ever had to deal with the stress of having unresolved issues, even small ones when you’re not on the same page can grow into big issues and they can affect everything in the family. The related point on that is how you come together or how you disagree can matter sometimes as much as what you’re disagreeing about. So I what I do is I’m there to help people when they get stuck to help them get unstuck and awesome. Where is that?
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:02:43): So I know you’ve been doing this for a little bit. What’s the biggest communication issue you see with parents?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:02:49)That’s a great question and it’s a hard question to answer because you know, every family, every dynamic is different. But maybe let’s take a couple of examples, you know, the first one, which I talk about all the time that can make communication difficult is when we’re giving presentations to each other instead of having conversations when there is an important issue to address, I do this myself. Look if we have something important to talk about, let’s say it’s myself and my wife, I am thinking about that. Well in advance, I’m planning out how the conversation is going to go. I’m anticipating reactions. I’m thinking about what she might say to me. And I’m lining up all of my arguments about why what I’m proposing to do or what I’m thinking is the right way to go. She’s probably doing the same thing. So by the time we actually get to speak to each other, we’ve had this conversation in our minds five times, 10 times, 25 times. It’s hard, it’s hard to be present. It’s hard to be listening to each other instead of trying to make our case about who’s going to win in those moments. That’s a big one. I find,
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:03:58): you know, it’s interesting that you say that I was before in law school when I was in my teaching stage of my life. Um I actually got selected for jury duty. And um, we went back for deliberations, I made the mistake of saying, okay, so who wants to be forman? And everybody said you. And we got to the point that half the room was saying negligent, half the room was saying, not negligent. And there was a battle. And finally after a break, I came in and I said, you know what? I keep hearing the words, we’re right, you’re wrong, we’re right, you’re wrong, That’s not where we are, that’s not what we need to be, we need to find that middle ground. And as soon as I said that, and we all sat down and looked at all of the facts. Again, we wind up all agreeing on one way, which was so nice to get out of that. I’m right and I have to be right.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:04:45): I I think that’s such an important point Frances and it’s one that happens all the time. It’s hard when we’re doing it for ourselves, right? And I think that’s part of the difficulty is we’re thinking and this is natural. It’s an oar, right my way, or your way. It’s not that we disagree and have different points of view, that’s the issue. It’s that it’s that challenge of being able to build a connection, build a bridge between that disagreement to say, OK, what you’re proposing or what you’re thinking. That has merit. So it is what I’m thinking now, can we look at this together and instead of saying it’s my way or your way? Look at it a little differently. Step back and be able to say, okay, how do we make this an end and get the most for most out of for both of us what we’re trying to accomplish. It can change the whole dynamic of the conversation.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:05:44): I can see that it’s gonna be amazing. Um and how does family dynamics play into everything, you know, that there’s more than one child, all of that, you know, is there, is there an area for a whole family communication that might come into play.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:05:59): We all bring our family dynamics with us. We bring our mileage, our history, we’re all carrying baggage, whatever form that might take. So that’s going to play into our communication styles. The way we engage with other each other or even don’t engage, think of people who might be more conflict averse again, let’s not talk about that, that’s hard, right? Or where let’s just keep doing it the way we’ve always done it, done things And find that the way we’ve always done things makes one Family member, Let’s say one spouse might feel like they’re they’re carrying more than their fair share of the load all of that could play. And then I think when you’re talking about neurodiversity, that adds, again, it adds another layer of complexity to the mix, because if you’re thinking in terms of processing the way we’re able to experience the world, the way we hear things all of that can play into the family dynamic, it can play into whether we’re connecting with each other. You know, you and I are having a conversation right now, what you’re hearing, maybe not may not be what I think I’m saying to you, you may be hearing it differently. So how do we how do we connect that? I think that’s all of it, that’s all part of it.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:07:17): When I practiced family law in Florida before moving back up here. It was always, there’s three sides to every story, you know his hers and the truth somewhere in between and this is a little different, his hers and you know what? It’s finding that middle ground of what we meant because I know I know with my husband often he’ll say something, I’ll say something else and I’m like, but that’s not what I said, you know, and it’s just he hears it differently because of his family dynamics and his upbringing. And it can be so challenging
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:07:49): That’s it. being able, being able to check in with each other, being able to slow down, but we always keep a lot of plates spinning at the same time. So to be able to slow down and have those conversations in a way where we’re not just reacting to each other think of, you know, how many times I mean, why don’t you understand me? Right? Why aren’t you getting this? I thought I’m being I’m being clear, I don’t want to I don’t want to have to say it again. Well if you’re saying the same thing over and over and the person you’re speaking with isn’t hearing you right there hearing the words, but they’re not hearing the message. That’s a sign that you’re missing each other and then maybe you’re communicating in a way that isn’t effective, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong, it means that it’s just not working. So it’s how do you change that up and I love right and I love how you say that it’s not one is right and one is wrong. Our brains work differently and however we communicate and interact and even, you know, male, female, female, female male, all of us because we bring our past into it and work differently and we think differently. That’s exactly, that’s exactly it. We can both be right from our points of view and very often we are, look, look going back to, you know, as, as an attorney, as a negotiator for a long time. You know, I used to teach people, you know, the person sitting across the table from you isn’t necessarily wrong, but they have a different perspective. So the question is, is what do you do with that? Right? It’s either your, it’s win lose, right? I’m going to win. You’re going to lose, you’re going to win, I’m going to lose or maybe there’s a chance to change that up and say, let’s, let’s see how maybe we both can create something better.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:9:33): Right, That’s awesome. Do you have like, are there like a top five or top three pointers for families of how they can help communicate better?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:9:47): There there’s, there’s some tips actually, I just did a video on this recently that is up on my youtube channel, but here’s, here’s a couple to think about, one is slow down that that’s, that’s probably one of the most important everything is moving quickly. We’re busy. We’re handling logistics, We’re handling our own stuff. Yes. As parents, our stuff is in the mix too. But there’s lots of ways that we can, you know, that, that we can be stressed out during the day and then having conversations that are important or that really require us to be present. That can be hard if you’re doing it while you’re multitasking while it’s thrown in at the end of doing something else or it’s the quick phone call from the car for instance, that’s not serving us and I believe being able to slow down and then create that time when we could focus, Okay, we have something important to talk about. Maybe it’s a school decision, right? Maybe it’s something in the home, Maybe it’s something related to parenting. Maybe it’s something as a financial or whatever it is, would be a financial decision. Whatever the issue is, set aside some time doesn’t have to be a lot. It has to be enough and use that time to focus. And then what I would say is the tip that goes along with that is have some structure, have a look and that will look different for
everybody. But take the time to plan out what are we going to talk about? Are we planning to talk about and have the same conversation with each other. If you and I are talking and your agenda for that conversation is entirely different than mine would be nice to know. Right,
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:11:21): That makes sense. Right. Wait I thought we were talking about “X”. And you’re talking about “Y” how did that happen?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:11:28): Exactly. Exactly. And then what goes along with it is what are we trying to accomplish? Right. Each one of these are opportunities for us to ask each other questions right? And to be able to check in with each other and that’s really the other piece that comes along is checking in with each other. I’m saying this, are you hearing that or the other way? When you said that. Active listening is sometimes what it’s called reflective listening. When you said that this is what I heard, is that right? Is that what you meant? Yes or no? You have an opportunity to say yes or no if it’s no then I can ask the question, what did I miss? Can you help me? Right and then and then ask you when all that is there more. Is there more that you want to make sure that I’m hearing from you? That being able to slow down and do that in a meaning in a mindful way can change the meaning. It can change the whole intention of a conversation.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:12:28): It’s so yeah I mean I’m I’m now thinking about it and applying all of this to an IEP meeting. You know as um you know one thing parents but then when you’re at the table with all the professionals um as a parent sometimes it’s overwhelming and you know, but I know there’s been times with at I. E. P. Meetings where I need to remind somebody because the school will say something about what we disagree and like and I understand that and we disagree. But let’s look at the child and the data and what it says and then see where we are on getting the child the services the child needs. It’s amazing how that changes things.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:13:14): Yeah. And being able to instead of reacting, I would say because that’s that’s the first impulses we hear and know and we react to the No. Right? And we’re responding to that. Being able to slow it down and ask the questions to say what’s sitting under that. No. What got you there, What’s important to you? You might find that the no is only the tip of the discussion and that there’s a lot of room for agreement behind that. But if you can’t get past focusing on what you’re on the no the surface, it’s much more difficult. But then you’re back to that win loose. Am I going to change your mind or not? Are you going to change my mind or not? Mhm.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:13:51): Right. And you know, I did one of my videos on basically don’t take no, I called it was the shift away because that was my father’s thing.You know, if the person you’re talking to says no, take it up the ladder, you know when it comes to professional, I do the same thing with schools. Okay. Well you’re saying? No, but either what does the rest of the team think or is there somebody above you that can make this different um you can make a different decision for us?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:14:15): Sure. I think these are all great strategies. And in my space let’s say I’m working with parents. The question is a no if let’s say you have a yes and a no right? Let’s say for instance, it’s a question about a treatment, a medication some supports that might be needed for School. You have one yes, you haven’t won. No. That’s an opportunity to explore with each other and that can be very difficult to do. I find without some help
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:14:40):. Yeah. You know, I’m thinking my husband and I when we get in our see, you know like whichever it is, we’re in our positions, we both think we’re right and it’s hard to be able to see the gray sometimes because it’s like, okay, you know, they say you have one parent says yes to an IEP. One parent says no. Well how do you you can’t have a half of an IEP um you know, so how do you meet that? So that’s where you come in, right?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:15:15): Being able to get it all on the table right daylight being the dis best disinfectant, right? You’re able to talk about it, but it’s once you get the big picture, what are you looking at? What am I looking at now? Let’s both step back and look at it together. That can be very difficult to do, right? And it takes it takes a certain amount of time and it goes back to that point of speed. We want to do it quick. We’ve already we don’t have time. This is urgent. It is hard to slow down and to do that. And when you’re doing it and I’d say more, I’m talking focusing on the speed. It’s when you’re going quickly you’re not bringing your a game. Most people are not. So it gives you it gives you the chance for things to actually it can engage your creativity, your problem solving. Sometimes I call what I do. I call a tactical problem solving. It’s applied problem solving. It’s a structure that lends itself to being able to do that.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:16:24):So I’m thinking it’s um how I always say like in my videos, I say don’t wait to bring an education attorney until there’s an issue because then it’s more difficult and I’m thinking that’s the same thing with you is when you’re in a stressful time, don’t discuss it without you know kind of like, “Call Erik, he’ll work it out for you.”
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:16:35): You know what happened? What I tell people is the best time to talk is before you know to talk with me or someone like me and probably you have the same, the same conversation, the best time to talk to us is before you need to talk to us right? It’s preventive and I love that you describe it that way prevention you know how to avoid the conflict by getting in front of it. I think that can be and that can be an enormous tool to help reduce stress
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:17:9): right? And so do you if people um are having an issue or not having an issue just you know husband, wife whatever um can you help them put tools in place so that when there is an issue they know how to communicate better without having to come to you for every single issue. The mayor which has.I think the process itself lends lends a foundation for doing that. It creates that foundation because you’re problem solving together. Yes it’s supported. Yes it’s with help yes it’s with structure but there are tools that you could bring home right? But you’re not going to come to someone like me or come to me for every issue. But as you do it and you build the confidence and the experience of working together that accrues right, the more practice you have working on things together instead of doing it in an adversarial way. Hopefully that helps to shift the process helps shift the baseline right to one where you’re doing it and you’re applying it in your own life,
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:18:07): right And then the fact that you have neuro diverse Children. You get you have that perspective. It’s I know that often for me as a special ed attorney. The fact that I have a child with an IEP. And the teaching experience is huge because it’s a very different mindset when you’re a parent of a child with a neuro diverse child to teach you know? And so how does that differ when you know how do you think that adds to what you teach families?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:18:36): Look it’s again it it comes into the mix. The neuro diversity is why I created my practice in the first place. We have so many amazing supports for our kids. We have so many terrific supports in that same line between parents and Children. There’s far fewer that are available I think at the parent parent level. To help keep us as parents in step with each other and by extension to help keep the family on track and make it less stressful. Look if the parents are having these disagreements that then don’t get resolved. That can filter down to the whole family in lots and lots of ways. And especially when you’re dealing with all of this added complexity of neuro diversity and what that takes to support. It can get complicated very quickly and it can get charged and personal very quickly when you disagree. So having more supports that can take the stress level down. I think it’s a good thing
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:19:31): and the parents learning the communication skills through modeling there teaching their Children
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:19:49)absolutely. Look, look teaching them again, healthy ways to disagree, healthy ways to things out, That’s all for the good, that’s all good.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:19:58): And which is even important for our neuro diverse Children that might be struggling with their social skills.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:19:58): Absolutely. And I think that’s such an important point Francis, because when you have Children who might be rigid thinkers, inflexibility where those types of issues are in the mix when there’s reactivity, social emotional challenges, behavioral challenges, being able not only to model, but then to be able to practice with them all of those skills and show them how it works, right? All of that can be helpful to them and can open their eyes over time. You know, it’s not an instant solution. These are all works in progress, where works in progress, these are all skills to be practiced and the more that we’re able to bring that into the home, I think that will again, that can that can bring the tone down and hopefully lead things to being on a better path,
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:20:54):And that all the emotional charge and the passion when we get upset with each other, the way of putting it.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:21:04): Passion is passion is a good thing when we get upset, but it’s it’s what you do with it. You know, we care, we’re invested. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s how it’s expressed, right? And then once you’re feeling that way, how are you going to direct it? What are you going to direct it into something productive or something that’s not going to serve you well. Those are the choices along the way.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:21:29): Right. That makes sense. Do you also um like we’re talking a lot about parents and how parents can communicate with each other. Do you bring whole families in and work with, you know, the whole family and figuring out ways to communicate.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:21:41):My focus is really on the parents when it comes to these types of issues because I I view it again as we have other resources that are available for the whole family. We have other resources that are available for the Children. My piece so to speak and where I’m really focusing is the parent parent aspect and being able to provide that support there.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:22:11): That does make sense.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:22:13): Okay. It doesn’t rule out, you know, the larger Perspective but the work is generally between the two parents
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:22:19): and that totally makes sense because when you bring the family and it becomes now the child might be the center again, you know, and and as a parent, you know, sometimes we
need our own space and feel like it’s our own safe space and that it’s just ours, right?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:22:39): It’s a space where they can have these conversations, it’s a space where they could step back and and deal withm these issues with each other. So what I’m doing is I’m facilitating that conversation. I’m facilitating that process, giving them that structure those bumpers if you will so that they can have those conversations in a way that’s more constructive,
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:23:9): And you’re not a therapist, right?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:23:9): No.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:23:12): I think that’s important because I know you know when talking to other friends and stuff when you know, communication issues with our husbands or whatever they’re like, yeah, my husband won’t go to therapy. That’s okay. It’s not therapy. Let’s go to this great guy that teaches you how to talk.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:23:17): You come to me with issues, you come to me with this and whether it’s a disagreement but these are issues to be addressed. It’s narrow. The focus is narrower um where you’re going to focus with me where a therapist might focus more on the why questions I’m focusing first on the what questions in terms of what are we talking about and then how do we get there? We being. How do you have the conversation that’s going to help you reach the goals the objectives and address the concerns, the interests of values and all the things that you want to bring into the mix and bring to the table. So it’s more that again, it’s narrower in scope. It’s also now we’re in time when the issues when you’re done and you’ve come to whatever your conclusion is on those decisions or those issues might be the process is over. You can come back in six months when you have another, let’s just say for a year but it’s an hour scoped process and it’s limited in time for those reasons. So I think there is there are some important differences. Can it be therapeutic? Sure. Absolutely. But it’s not therapy,
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:24:24): right? No, that’s great. That’s a good point. It’s like you’re literally coming once to work out the one issue. However, you know, just think of how and I’m just thinking back of like how many times there’s an issue and we fight about it for weeks, you know? Whereas, okay, let’s just call Erik come and see him and you’re done in a day or a couple of hours.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:24:45): Yeah, it’s it’s however long it takes and it’s voluntary. So there’s no arm twisting. No, I’m not. I’m not I’m not pushing a result one way or the other, it’s your discussion. If you’re coming to work with me, it’s your conversation, you’re the you’re the experts on your issues. What I’m there to do is help you to get it on the table and then to make those decisions about what you want to do with it and where you want to go.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:25:18): Right, that makes sense. And then how long are sessions do you? They only book an hour do they plan for 2-3 hours? How does that work?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:25:26): Usually a session is two hours at a time. What I find is less than that. And again, that’s not a hard and fast rule, but two hours is a good time to get things out to be able to get a rhythm going and to really roll up our sleeves and get work done more than that can be tiring. You know, two hours of focused time. That that that’s that’s a good chunk of time. And for some people that might be a little bit much. So that’s why I say there’s flexibility but the baseline We start with two hours but then I’m willing to work with whatever really is the most comfortable and going to be the most productive way of approaching the process.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:26:01): Right, That makes sense. And so do you offer like a free consultation to determine that? Like how do people get in touch with you? How do they find you, what’s your process of getting into that room with the spouse?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:26:18): Sure, we start with the free consultation, It’s about 20 minutes long. And really that’s an opportunity to talk about the process. Many people who come to me, they either don’t know much about mediation, they know they need help, right? But they don’t know much about what mediation is, what the process looks like. So it gives us a chance to talk about that to ask those initial questions to talk about what it might look like and then make that decision of if this feels right now, let’s start the process itself. So we go from there. But it begins with that and usually that’s it comes into me there as an email.I think I’m through my website which is we can give that information. It’s FeigMediationGroup.com. I have an email for that. Or a phone call. Any of these ways can initiate the process and then we figure out what’s going to be the best fit within how I do things.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:27:18): That makes sense. And then do you, do you suggest both parents call or just one for the consultation? How do you find that? It works best.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:27:19): That’s a great question. And it’s a great point. My recommendation is that we have that consultation with both parents. We can do it individually, having it with both parents and being able to have the questions to be asked together and then hear the answers together I think is very helpful. I think also another piece about my role is I’m neutral. I don’t take sides. I’m not advocating for one person over the other. And sometimes if you have one parent initiating the contact, you might have another parent saying, well, that sounds like that’s your person. And when you’re when tensions are high, : that can make things more complicated to deal with. So for me, I think the easiest is we have the conversation together and the work we’re doing in the room is together. So, so it gives a chance to hear each other whenever possible.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:28:22): Right? And you say in the room with well, now that hopefully things are opening up again, but in the covid world, are you still doing in person? Are you only doing zoom how or whichever they prefer?
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:28:40): I’m still virtual. We may move to in person in the future general. So in the room I should have said in the virtual room I suppose. But yeah, it’s it’s by zoom and it works just as well.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:28:55): You think it works just fine.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:28:56): And one of the things I appreciate about doing it by zoom is it gives you the opportunity to do this process from where you’re comfortable, right? You’re not coming to a place that isn’t familiar, You’re doing it, it could be from your living room, it could be from, you know, a dining room table and by virtue of that again, it makes it hopefully a little easier to engage and when you take breaks because we do take breaks during the process. You know, being able to walk around in a place that’s familiar to you, you know, and go make a cup of coffee or a cup of tea for instance.I I think that just helps.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:29:33): That makes sense. I like that because it’s you know, kind of like you’re in an office, you’re learning your techniques here and then you take it home, How does it apply And sometimes it’s just different, it’s just a different thought process whereas you’re learning it in Your surroundings. It’s so much easier. Like this is where I learned it, this is where I do it, I can see that
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:29:54): and taking the commute out of it is helpful to If you think nothing is less than 20 minutes or a half hour. But by the time you drive somewhere you get set up, you transfer, you’re adding another hour to the mix taking that hour back. I think it makes scheduling easier. It could take some of the stress of that and the pressure again, we’re all busy. We: all have like we’re all managing the logistics for the family and for ourselves in
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:309:00 )an hour is a lot of time. Although there are times that I think of commuting as you know, my me time because I can listen to my podcast, I can listen to books. I can, you know, just talk on the phone with friends where you don’t always get to do. But I could definitely see it’s much easier to not have to travel places.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:30:33): Look when you’re trying to coordinate two calendars, Let’s say two spouses to partners that our for each person can make a big difference. It’s huge. You know, blocking out that time can be the difference between being able to do this and saying maybe next week Or maybe in two weeks while you’re still having the issue.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:31:07): Right? And that makes sense. Makes it so much easier. So you mentioned before you have a, youtube channel, is it live yet? Can people find it or it is live?
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:31:21): It is live. It is new. I’ll be adding to it regularly,But it’s under Feig Mediation Group. It’s searchable. So it can be found. I don’t know if we’re able to put a link up, butI have it on my, I have it on my website, so it can be found through there.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:31:33):Got it. Well, it’s, we have your Feig Mediation group is on the video, so at least there’s that, I’m not sure. I think maybe what it posts we can comment on and put a link. Um this is just my second show, so I’m still learning everything we can do. Um but that’s great. So then basically people Should just throw Feig mediation group into google and they should find you and find your Youtube channel and
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:31:55): yep you can find me there, you can find me on facebook, we have a page there as well where we’re posting our videos, were posting tips where I’m posting information that hopefully will be helpful again to people who, who can, who can use this type of, this type of information. This type of guidance,
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:32:24): right adding to our support system, families with nowhere diverse Children. We can never have too much support.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:32:33): We’re all doing the best we can. We’re all works in progress and the more that we can do to help support each other and help things stay on track. I think those are all good things Definitely agree.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:32:40):So thank you so much Erik, I loved having you on my show. I think that this is great. I learned a lot. Like it’s great. I’m like thinking huh? Maybe my husband and I need to come call you. You know because it’s it’s true. You know like we all have these issues no matter how well we’re trained, My husband jokes around and says he doesn’t bother to argue with me because I’m an attorney so he knows he’ll never win. Which is information for me if he feels that way. That’s not that’s not necessarily a good thing. And so maybe we need some pointers on how to communicate. So he feels he wins sometimes and
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:33:12): and that’s the difficulty sometimes. It’s just and it’s for all of us right? It’s being able to do this and we’re all doing our best. I do. But I do believe that and all the skills and all the rest the more that we’re able to engage with each other instead of at each other. You know, it leaves room for us to have better outcomes.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:33:40): Right? That is true. So thank you again and to my viewers. Thank you so much for watching us Stress-Free IEP™ Um As always if you love having Erik if you can think of other topics if you think hey wait have Erik back on something else or somebody else you would like to have on my show. Please feel free to comment. Um Shoot me : an email whatever. Let us know. Um, We are excited to get information and help support us, our families that need that we know need the support.
ERIK FEIG (⏱ 00:34:21): Thanks so much for having me and thanks so much for having me. This is your you’re doing great work. This is really important.
FRANCES SHEFTER (⏱ 00:34:21): Thank you. Yeah.
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